Read also about gender-neutral toys and coping with sticky gender-related questions from your kids.

When I found out that I was going to have a little girl, I did something that, frankly, is a little embarrassing given my profession. I ran out to buy a frilly dress with matching hat and booties. Secretly, I was so happy to be having a girl because of the clothes, the dolls, the shopping we would do.

But as an anthropologist immersed in the study of how people connect to their culture and environment, my behavior was a bit surprising. After all, my research caused me to veer away from boy/girl stereotypes and embrace gender-neutral rules of parenting—that boys can wear dresses if they want, that girls should play with trucks—because that’s how children reach their unique potential. Even so, I gave in to many girly stereotypes when my daughter was on the way, painting her room peach and lining up dolls in their fluffy dresses. Was I wrong to treat my daughter like a—girl? Just how much can parents influence their kids to follow the straight and narrow, or the winding road, where gender identity is concerned?

I now realize that my actions were perfectly fine, because I have little control over how my daughter will ultimately self-identify when it comes to gender. Underlying some anxieties parents have when it comes to gender differences is the fear that if they do it “wrong,” they could affect their child’s sexual orientation. Relax: You don’t have that power. Letting your son try on a tutu won’t influence his future proclivities. Like gender identity, sexual orientation appears to be biologically determined, according to gender expert Helen Friedman, PhD, a clinical psychologist in private practice and an associate clinical professor in the Department of Community and Family Medicine at St. Louis University School of Medicine.

What we can do as our kids develop is give them space to explore different roles and decide what fits best.


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