It has been almost 5 months since I last blogged here.  I don't know how people get to it more regularly frankly.  But I have noticed that becoming a recurring theme for me too.  For a period of time, my life seemed to be spiraling out of control.  Things were happening to me, life was happening around me and I felt like a passive participant, things bouncing around, sometimes into me, sometimes in to people I care for -affecting me but not in a way that I could actually respond to;  almost like another rock on the pile I was dragging around. 

Gee...is this it?  Is this feeling what I work hours I don't even bother to count because I am afraid to know the number.  Is this feeling the reason I invest hours (again, uncounted) in service of others in an attempt to feed my altrusitic nature.  Is this as good as it gets?  Am I bound to eternally feel the struggle between wanderlust and an intense desire to nest in the comfort of a loving home.

I have found myself signing up for things that I really want to do.  I really want to be a part of these things.  But they get overcome, by an unexpected business trip which then leaves me spending as much time with my 3 year old prior to my departure and making up for lost time when I return.  Or by a presentation that I go behind on because I don't care what they say, it is hard to stay caught up when you are on the road.  Or the housecleaning service looses the housekey...again...and I have company coming for my son's three year old birthday party so now a house needs to be cleaned that I was putting off because the service was due. Yet, I beat myself up for not sitting down and blogging.

In all of this I had a series of fabulous encounters with some incredibly grounded women.  What they have shared with me is a sense that I am okay.  That I can let go of some of the guilt that seems as natural as breathing some days.  That through connections with them, with the spirit of the universe that binds us all, I cannot only find the eye of the storm, I can BE the eye.

So, recently I have started a business, cleared out some of the clutter in my life and my home.  Gotten clear on priorities at work and home. Engaged a short term coach to help me with focus and priority setting, another phase of clearing out I'd say.  I have revisited spiritual advisers of all phases of my life and begun to cut myself some slack.  I noticed today that I was getting caught up in "stuff" so I reminded myself that there is only so much I can do.

I come back to this issue in my life repeatedly but each time I address it, the time period is shorter and my focus sharper.  I realize each time that the supermom I imagine I could be, is always bested by exactly who I am.