We’ve all heard the old adage, “Behind every successful man is a woman.” Earlier this year, Bloomberg Businessweek ran an intriguing article titled, “Behind Every Great Woman.” The piece focuses on the sacrifices husbands and wives make when the woman has achieved a senior position with the accompanying high salary and demands on her time. In the examples cited, the husband steps down in his career to take over responsibility for the children and the wife reduces her time at home – sometimes resulting in less than optimal relationships with both her partner and children.

Anne-Marie Slaughter’s recent Atlantic article “Why Women Still Can’t Have It All” reminds us of the challenges of being a high-powered woman and begs the question of whether we are sending fair and realistic messages to the upcoming generation of women. In fact, it may even seem that the younger generation is more realistic about the possibility of simultaneous professional and family success than those of us in our 40s and 50s. We once conducted a series of focus groups with high-achieving Gen Y college juniors and learned that they don’t want to repeat the pattern of their parents, which they see as working themselves to death at a high cost to their families.

Given that women make up approximately half of the workforce and that the majority of students earning masters degrees will be women before the end of the decade (according to the U.S. Census Bureau), the number of women holding senior positions in organizations will likely grow. Is it true that these women and their families have to resign themselves to a family model where the mom has little involvement in the family life and the dad has to sacrifice his career? Isn’t this the family model that was protested for so many years as unfair, not necessary, and even unhealthy for children when the father did not participate at home because his career took precedence?

With due respect to the very real case studies cited in the Bloomberg article, there is another story to be told. Through interviews we at Horizons Workforce Consulting did with more than a dozen women who are the primary earners for their families, a different family model emerged. This model includes negotiation, communication, compromise, active partnership, and a unique vision for the family. It certainly still involves sacrifice, but sacrifice is part of the parental job description and one aspect that is never likely to go away. Each of the women in our interviews expected themselves to be fully involved as mothers while managing their high-level careers. Cutting back on the parental role was not on the table for any of them.

A Different Story Emerges: Ongoing Re-evaluation

Each of the women interviewed holds a very demanding, full-time senior position in her organization. Each has children. Each has a spouse or partner who participates to some degree. Every woman fiercely protects the role of mother. How each of these women executes her roles as primary earner, mom, wife, etc. is as different as the women themselves. They have found family models that work for them now but may need to be changed in the future. One of the greatest and most valuable commonalities among these women is that they are constantly re-evaluating and adjusting. Another is their unflagging tenacity and profound dedication to success as parents and professionals.

Yvonne heads up a health products company. She has one teenage daughter and a husband who works full time. They also have an added house member, Yvonne’s mother, who is suffering from Alzheimer’s. Yvonne takes care of the morning routine, including her mother, while her husband begins work at 6:00 a.m. The afternoon responsibilities switch to Bill while Yvonne remains at work until dinnertime. Additional challenges come from Yvonne’s travel and the declining health of her mother. Although their arrangement has been workable until now, it is time to re-evaluate the situation given the increasing toll of the Alzheimer’s on their time and energies. Yvonne reports, “Each thing takes a bit of a toll and the worst thing that can happen is losing my husband -- he’s my life partner.” So, Yvonne and Bill are in the midst of seriously considering a nursing home for her mom. She is committed to her husband, daughter, and mom but understands the time has come to re-evaluate how she carries out her commitment.

Alexandra is well known in her field as a thought leader. Her husband is retired and she has two young children. Alexandra describes her husband as “old school” in that the caregiving and home responsibilities fall to her even though she works full time. This dynamic instantly changes when Alexandra travels – which is a frequent occurrence in her job. Jack will then step up and handle the responsibilities associated with the home and children. Alexandra will tell you that Jack handles the responsibilities differently than she does, but she knows the children are in loving, capable hands while she’s away. Alexandra appreciates a high degree of flexibility available to her at work. There are certainly times when she must be at a meeting or on a conference call. There are many other times, however, when she can choose where and when her work is completed. This flexibility is a necessary component in her success.

Success for Alexandra means that her kids are happy and doing well while she is still enjoying her career. Interestingly, she makes a distinction between “enjoying my career” and “getting ahead in my career.” Doing both is not her goal while her children are young. As her children grow, it is likely that her approach to work and home responsibilities will change.

Our conversations revealed similarities among the primary breadwinning mothers, regardless of age. LaShonda has long since retired but earned a higher income than her husband when she was working. They have a blended family with five children between them. LaShonda’s husband, Mike, is also a “traditional” husband who is not inclined to complete home tasks such as cooking, cleaning, or laundry. Like Alexandra’s husband, Mike had to step up when LaShonda’s job required her to complete a four-month assignment in another part of the country.

When asked to articulate her definition of success, the reply was very straightforward: “Attaining the level at work that I thought I could achieve, along with the income, but at the same time raising good, responsible children who could manage their own lives.” It should be noted that LaShonda accomplished these goals at a time when very few women were in the corporate workforce in a leadership role. Even with little job flexibility and limited support in completing tasks at home, she was able to achieve her definition of success.

Anna and Elizabeth are two successful professionals with high-demand special needs children at home. Both have actively involved partners, and have created schedules and work routines that allow them to be with their children often and invest the necessary hours into coordinating doctors’ appointments and therapy. In some ways these women magnify what we see in all of the women we interviewed. They are most keenly aware of the precious time they have with their children and never lose sight of the priority these children represent to them. At the same time, they see no reason why they shouldn’t achieve success at work simultaneously. As we saw with all the women we interviewed, from the outside their loads seem almost impossible—they look like superwomen. But from their own perspectives they are simply doing what needs to be done in accordance with their values and goals for themselves and their families.

“I think once every other week or once a month you question whether you’re doing the right thing.”- Anna

The definition of success is a critical variable to consider, since the definition drives expectations, perceptions and ultimately, decisions. For all the primary breadwinning women we interviewed, success included the ability to pursue careers, to be actively involved with their children, and to feel a sense of accomplishment in both areas. These women are not willing to step away from their careers or give up the opportunity to be active moms. Each is living a life that makes sense to her at this point.

Working Enhances Motherhood

We asked each woman whether she thought quitting work to be home with her children would make her a better mom. Each answered with a resounding “No!”.

“ I wouldn’t be a good stay-at-home mom. I’d be frustrated and my frustration would come out. In my heart I believe you can have both…I always say my daughter is my best achievement in life but not my only.”- Lisa

“I don’t know who I would be if I’m not this, but there are times where it’s really painful, the emotional trade-offs. Traveling and knowing that my daughter was really, really sad and weeping at school and I feel so horrible. Then I reframe and enjoy what I’m working on...My opportunities are now and they may not be here later.” -Alexandra

“I would go crazy not working. I stayed home three months with my daughter when she was first born and I loved every minute of it, but that was enough. I would really miss working.” -Janie

The bottom line is that these women want to work. They see it as beneficial to themselves, their children and the world. And still, it requires an enormous amount of energy to manage the constant renegotiation. They question themselves on a regular basis and rarely feel like they’re really doing their very best in both realms.

The truth is that we don’t have our society and our institutions set up for this reality yet. We agree with Anne-Marie Slaughter:

“Only when women wield power in sufficient numbers will we create a society that genuinely works for all women. That will be a society that works for everyone.”[i]

We believe we will get there.

[1] 2012. Slaughter, Anne-Marie “Why Women Still Can’t Have It All” the Atlantic July/August

Lucy English, PhD, is a Senior Consultant at Horizons Workforce Consulting. Her purpose is to transform the employer-employee relationship in order to strengthen employee well-being and improve organizational success. Dr. English manages client consulting projects and leads corporate research investigations on employee well-being and the efficacy of work-life programs as strategic business tools. She presents research findings through articles and at national Human Resources conferences.

Prior to joining Horizons Workforce Consulting, Dr. English was a sociology professor and department chair at Moravian College where she was granted tenure in 2002.

Dr. English’s clients have included a broad spectrum, from ivy-league universities and Fortune 500 companies to regional colleges and family owned businesses. She thrives on the insights she gains from working with diverse clients.

Dr. English holds a B.A. from the University of Redlands, and an M.A. and Ph.D. from the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign.

Contact Dr. English at Lucy.English@BrightHorizons.com.

Ms. Callaway has nearly three decades of experience in work/life consulting and managing employer-sponsored benefits. At Bright Horizons, Ms. Callaway worked with clients in a variety of industries including: Turner Broadcasting, Johns Hopkins Medical Institutions, Yale University, Procter & Gamble, Synovus Service Corporation, and Frito Lay. Ms. Callaway developed unique solutions for each client to meet the individual needs of each organization.

Ms. Callaway received a Bachelor of Arts degree in psychology from Wheaton College and a Master of Arts degree in teaching from National Louis University.