My husband and I recently realized we didn’t like each other very much. We still thought raising our children together was valuable. We were still talking about goals and what’s important to us. We were still sharing our inner challenges and personal growth. Yet we didn’t feel as close and didn’t like each other as much as we wanted to. Sex was infrequent. I’d heard that men exhibit loving behaviors after sex. We tried having sex almost daily. But that didn’t help either. Something was missing. What?

Then a friend sent me an article about oxytocin and bonding behaviors. The basic premise is that the same hormone that’s good for strong parent/child attachments is also a key player in long-term happiness for the parents’ connections with each other. Oxytocin has sometimes been called the “love hormone.” While that may not be strictly true—certain stressful situations can also cause a release of oxytocin—it does seem that this hormone plays a role in making scheduled snuggle time (SST) less an optional “if I can fit it in” thing and more a priority because “my marriage may depend on it.”

So we prioritized it, and you can, too. Here’s how:

1. Decide SST is important. Block off scheduled snuggle time in your calendar and keep your dates. Otherwise, other things—like washing dishes—will always take precedence.

2. Decide how often and how long. We felt a sharp lack from years of neglecting this side of our relationship, and we wanted dramatic change. Our choices? Three things daily from this list of bonding activities for one minute each. Every other day for an hour of shared touch and snuggling. Once a week for two or more hours to relax into deep connection and sexual exploration without orgasmic focus.

3. Set clear boundaries for SST. Keep the list of bonding behaviors handy so you can review it. Remember this isn’t about processing, scheduling logistics or passionate sex and orgasm. Massage, appreciations, snuggling, kissing, eye gazing and shared breathing are the cornerstone practices.

4. Include your children. At least once a week, include your children in SST. Keep it strictly non-sexual (of course) with back rubs, foot rubs, eye gazing and snuggling—without TVs, movies, books or excess talking.

5. Make other dates for other practices. If sex, logistics or righting misunderstandings aren’t getting any time, your relationship will suffer too. It takes time and effort to keep a strong, loving connection. The intent is very important. These behaviors are done with intent to comfort and connect rather than to create passion. Passionate desire may arise, but it’s not the point. Resistance may also arise. Resistance might play out as being too busy, criticizing your partner or forgetting your dates. Talking about scheduling, old hurts and emotional processing during SST are other ways couples may avoid bonding. If you start talking too much, exercise discretion and stop. Then make a date to continue later. Recognize that you might have resistance, and good reasons for it. Sometimes relaxing into connection isn’t as easy as it sounds. If you need some help, click here for support to get started and be successful.

Kassandra Brown is a parent coach (parentcoaching.org), mother and wife. SST with her husband has transformed their relationship from one in which competition and grievances were eroding trust into one of deep affection and renewed passion. Her parenting improved with the improved ease in her marriage and almost magically her children became less whiny and more enjoyable.