The other day I wrote about the shift I’ve seen in my stepson as he has gone from quiet child to social teenager.  I mentioned I’d been reading a book that I’ve found to be quite enlightening, so I wanted to share a few things I’ve learned so far.

In just the first few chapters, Inside the Teenage Brain: Parenting a Work in Progress by Sheryl Feinstein already has me approaching my stepson differently.  I’ll do my best to explain what I think I understand here.  

Feinstein starts off by explaining brain development during adolescence.  The brain is not fully developed at this stage in life.  Despite our teens perceptions (or desires perhaps) that they are grown up, it just isn’t so.  

The logical part of their brain hasn’t fully developed yet.  This is the area of the brain that adults use to make decisions.  In most cases, we take in signals, process them in the logical center, and make a categorization or decision accordingly.  

Because the logical center is still developing, a teenager uses his or her amygdala.  The amygdala is the section of the brain that triggers your “fight or flight“ sense.  Teenagers are using this fight or flight section of their brain for most decisions, approaching them emotionally rather than logically.  This difference in processing means they are more likely to respond with something like, ”This is all your fault!“ rather than ”Ok, that makes sense.“

Knowing that there is a physiological reason for the emotional roller coaster doesn’t necessarily make it any more fun to deal with, but at least we can now logically understand why it happens.

After the brain development lesson, Feinstein begins discussion about parenting teens including helpful what to do and not to do tips.  

In a nutshell she explains that it is important to be democratic with teens (as opposed to authoritarian or permissive).  When family decisions need to be made, involve teenagers in discussions and let them speak their opinions.  Ultimately the decision still rests with the parents, whom Feinstein refers to as the Majority in this democracy, and parents should explain the reasons behind their decisions.

Ok, I’ll be the first to admit getting a teenager to talk is not always easy.  Regardless of his words (or lack thereof) I do notice when my stepson seems to be mentally engaged, so I can see where involving them in discussions could be instilling a good lesson.

Feinstein also says that teenagers should be given freedom in doses and (gulp) be allowed to make mistakes.  They need to see the consequences of their actions, whether good or bad.  She recommends starting with things like letting them choose their own clothes or building up to free time at the mall.  Start with going to the mall with your teen (and a friend or two) and splitting up with a set meeting time.  Once they’ve proven they are responsible with that a few times, maybe they’re ready to be dropped off at the mall with friends while you go home or take care of other errands (again with a set meeting time and contact instructions).

If a teenager doesn’t follow through on their responsibility, then Feinstein suggests addressing the behavior rather than trying to appeal to the teen’s emotions or reasoning.  For example, if curfew is missed, perhaps the teen is not allowed to use the car for the next few days, which means they won’t have the opportunity to break curfew during that time (addressing the behavior by removing privileges).  Saying something like, ”I was worried sick“ likely won’t have as big of an impact.

By the way, Feinstein also suggests not calling 10 minutes prior to curfew to remind them to come home.  Wait until 15 to 20 minutes after curfew instead.  By calling before, the teen doesn’t get the advantage of learning to act responsibly, which ultimately is what we need our teens to learn.

One other thing that I’ve already started putting into practice is letting those pesky little back talk things go.  Feinstein says teenagers need the last word more than we do, so if after telling your teen so start their homework you hear them mutter ”you’re ruining my life“ as you walk away, just keep walking.  

To the parents of teenagers out there, I recommend picking up Feinstein’s book.  It explains those quirks we don’t understand and gives tips on how to work with your teen, not against them.