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I write today about a different kind of living confrontation (it’s not always about the in-laws) - the spousal variety. Fresh from a verbal lashing from both sides, it’s clear to me that his Yin and my Yang are at battle. Since it behooves us as well as our 5 year old in seeing the conflict resolved, I examine the contributing factors of this altercation in a he said/she said fashion.
If you’ve ever wanted to scream at your partner, why can’t you just understand me or accept me the way I am, this next section is for you. There are always a few views to each story:
Quick Snapshot
A few weeks ago a buddy calls and in the midst of conversation mentions his wife’s surprise party and adds an impromptu invitation for my husband (and me) to come with the plan that they play guitar together. On the phone, Bill looks at me and asks if we have anything going on – completely naked without my Outlook calendar I mumble that I think we are free. End of conversation for two weeks…
Yesterday (the day prior to the party), Bill mentions the surprise party. I admit that I remembered the event about a week or so ago and was going to bring up to Bill that I would prefer not to go. I mention my intentions and am greeted with great huffs and a close to all real conversation for the evening.
Today, as Bill walks in from playing a great round of golf with his son, he mentions that we can leave for the party after the kids are in bed. Again, I mention that I don’t want to go. This time it does get ugly.
He Said – His Perceptions
· I should have said no since I knew you were going to bag out
o Conclusion: there is a pattern to my behavior that leads to him feeling like I don’t want to go places
· We never go anywhere together
o Conclusion: definitely true since our lives are entangled between family and business that leaves us with little time for each other
· I’m tired of showing up places alone
o Conclusion: he needs to go places with me even when it is not totally up my alley
· You don’t support my guitar playing
o Conclusion: this is the one that I just don’t buy but will accept that somehow my rejecting going to the party is a rejection of him and his passion
I Said – My Perceptions
· Work with who I am instead of forcing me into situations that I don’t like
o Conclusion: there is NO question that I am MUCH more comfortable in small, intimate groups than in large parties and while I have learned to be able to do small talk, it’s not something that I like or desire to do naturally
· Who’s watching the kids?
o Not to be lost in any of this is the fact that no babysitter was secured. My in-laws will be out for the night at another event. By the time this entered the conversation, we were already derailed and crashing into the proverbial iceberg.
So, what perspective does Wabi-Sabi offer in a situation like this? I find myself challenged by what to do next. I realize that I said “no” too quickly without seeing if there was a way to work this out and I feel like Bill has taken this all too personally.
Since Wabi-Sabi values the instinctive strengths that you bring to the table, I know the answer isn’t that I morph into someone with the middle name of PARTY. On the same point, I know that part of valuing the relational side that Bill has is to not go with my hermit tendencies all of the time.
Here’s what I think are the His and Her recommendations that I would make to someone else in these same shoes:
For Him (of course I naturally want to start with what he can do differently - smile):
· If you want me to be social and go to a big party, help make it easy on me
o Know and accept that my first reaction to party time isn’t going to be all out enthusiasm but if you let me and help me, I’ll warm up to the idea
o Part of what was brought up but completely thrown out the window before we could use this as the steering wheel to get us back on track, was the idea of me only going for part of the party (trust me – knowing that I have an ability to jump in a car and leave when I’m ready makes this much more livable)
o Plan the childcare issue in advance not at the last moment – a large part of the reason that I don’t want to go to a party on a Saturday night is that we have a HUGE week ahead of us where my in-laws will be watching the kids more than usual and I don’t want them too tired to begin (we should have thought about actually hiring a babysitter for this event)
o NOTE for future events – your wife likes smaller, intimate settings and if you can set-up that family night guitar playing event that’s been talked about with said buddy and your other friend, she would be all over it and happy to support your passion
For Me (of course I’d naturally like to say that I shouldn’t have to change but then I’d be letting my strengths turn into weaknesses):
· Support thy husband and go to the party even if for an hour (wish that was an option again)
· Address stress and issues earlier in the game and not just come out with the negative first
· Live more in the here and now – just because it’s going to be a crazy week, doesn’t mean you have to hide out over the weekend
It’s not clear to me at this point that we will find a good solution to this disagreement but I do know his Yin and my Yang will butt heads again. I hope next time we both remember to value the other person for who they are, flaws and all a bit better.
