Mom's needs are not mutually exclusive to family needs. As primary caregivers we get so involved meeting the needs of others that we often have a hard time expressing our own.

We all have needs that need to be met, whether we acknowledge them or not. These needs get met whether we consciously meet them or not. The difference is that when we acknowledge our needs, we can find healthy ways of meeting them. When we don’t acknowledge our needs and our subconscious drives us to meet them anyway, we might act in ways that seem contrary to what we want. We might sabotage ourselves.

Let’s say for instance you're getting serious about working out. You've been in a bad place, binging on Easter candy and feeling down, but now you want to turn things around and get back in shape. So you join the gym. Unbeknownst to you, your primary need is social. You're lonely, alienated and somewhat scared. What you really need to find is someone to talk to. So you go to the gym and try to work out. You're shocked when you realize that an hour has gone by and you've done 10 minutes worth of exercise and yet, you're on a first name basis with everyone at the gym.

If this was all happening consciously, you would feel great after going to the gym. Your primary need was met. You talked to a slew of people and it felt great. What really happens though is you come home feeling frustrated because your mission to get fit is going nowhere. You feel like a loser for not being able to get your fitness back on track and you might even quit going to the gym.

We could change that scenario in a couple of different ways. One way to change it is if you were consciously using the gym as a social outlet. You love going there because it’s a place you are familiar with and find it easy to converse with fellow gym mates.  You would come home ecstatic about having spoken to Joe and Sue and Marie because you had not seen them in a long time. Another scenario is that you reconnect with an old friend and go bowling. You have a blast. The next morning you wake up, go to gym and sweat like never before. Either way I think you get the picture. The need got met in a healthy way that allowed you feel great.

Why is it so hard to get our needs met? We get taught from such a young age to not be needy. When I think needy, I think whiny, demanding, a pest, not fun to be around. We confuse being needy with needing. These are the definitions I got from the dictionary for need: (1) a lack of something wanted or deemed necessary (2) urgent want of something requisite (3) to be necessary. Do any of those definitions evoke negative connotations? They shouldn’t. If it’s requisite, necessary and lacking, then by definition it creates a vacuum that we want to fill.

So mom and dad want to go out and have a good time. It energizes them. They love their life, their kids and their home but they just wish they could have fun every now and then. Should little Johnny and Susie care? Should your transition coach care? You bet. If there is a need, it will be met. It might not be in the healthiest most productive way, but it will be met. A wise family will plan a healthy way for that need to be met because they understand it's not an either or. They understand that if they meet their needs their family will be stronger and happier.

Are there people who have an easier time meeting their needs than others? I think so. I think our personalities and our upbringing have a lot to do with what we  believe about needs. I find that moms (stay-at-home or working) have an even harder time getting their needs met because their primary responsibilities are always meetings other's needs. It's also a lot harder for moms to even express their needs because these needs get pushed further and further into the recesses of the mind. I bet it wouldn't take long though, with the right environment and a pen and paper to think of your needs.

So what do you need and how are you getting that need met?

Fezeka Saige

Transition Coach

www.coach2accomplish.com