Yesterday, I turned 35.

It's the first birthday since Forest was born that he wasn't here to put butter on my nose (Hubby's family tradition). And while I miss my son, it was entirely the best birthday I've ever had.

Which gives me twinges of guilt. And that tells me I'm doing the right thing.

I had an incredible evening with people who really understand what being a Renaissance Mom is all about. They were supportive of what's going on in my head, in my heart and in my world at thist time.

And it affirmed in my soul that this is the mission I'm supposed to have right now.

On my other blog, I've been writing about what matters most, and how God gives us amazing opportunities if we leave the door open for Him. Yesterday was a day full of opportunities.

And despite the twinges of guilt (which I'm pretty much over, honest), I've been extremely productive in the launch of my new business.

In fact the thing right now that "bothers me" most isn't even the inevitable guilt of "ditching my kid". The thing that gets to me right now is that my baby doesn't even realize his brother is gone.

It's been nearly 2 weeks since they last saw each other. It'll be 4 weeks more before Forest comes home for his first visit, and My 3 year old still shows no signs of missing his big brother.

Tonight at dinner, to placate myself, I played the "who's missing?" game. I went around the room. "Who's that?" I asked. "Mommy!" he cried out. Then again, pointing to my husband. "Who's that?" I replied. "Daddy!" said the baby.

"Who's missing? Who's not here?"

"The Pizza Man!"

Um. No. After a conversation about pizza, and how much he loved pizza, I tried to explain to him that Forest was the one that wasn't here.

He simply would not have any part of that conversation, and continued to pout about pizza.

Now I know he's three. I get that kids that age don't really comprehend time. But some piece of me really wants my baby to miss Forest.

More importantly, I guess, I don't want him to forget Forest - or forget that he's part of this family, too.

And that's the rub, really. For as much as I enjoy the productivity, the quiet around the house and the ability to get more done in less time, I really don't want time to march on in the absence of my kid. I don't want the world to keep spinning "without him".

And maybe I said that wrong. I know time's gonna march on. What I'm really getting at is the idea that I don't want him to be left behind. Forgotten. Cut out of the family picture, so to speak - even if it's only for a few months or a couple of years.

As a mom, the time comes in your life when the kis grow up, move on and even forget to send you a card or give you a call on your birthday. So I look at this as preparation for that inevitable 'some day'.

But I am simply not ready to forget my child exists. And I don't want anyone to forget my kid exists - especially not his brother.

It's part of why I'm writing this in the first place. It's a documentary of sorts about him and me and how all this 'stuff' is gonna shake out over time.

And no, I can't possibly know what that outcome will be. I only know what my desire is: That people will know that this son of mine is remarkable. That our relationship has never been perfect. That in the war of who loves whom the most, I'm gonna win - even if it means playing warped games with my baby and tormenting myself in the process.

He doesn't deserve any less.

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Lisa and Forest are currently working on writing a book about this camp experience. This blog features bits and pieces of Lisa's perspective. Watch this blog for weekly updates, and sign up at http://www.TheRenaissanceMom.com to get notified when the book is released!