Bullying among kids is a hot-button issue these days. Pretty much all children have been or will be involved—whether as the aggressor, the victim or the bystander. Schools, parents and communities have been trying to deal with this for as long as, well, as long there have been school bullies. But now, more and more experts say the key to fighting this bad behavior is by teaching kids how to step in when they witness it.

Nearly 20 percent of kids in grades 9 through 12 reported being bullied on school property in the past year, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Common locations of bullying include the lunchroom, the classroom, the hallways and the bus—places where other students are likely to be present.

“These other students are the key to ending bullying,” explains educational psychologist Michele Borba, EdD, the author of more than 20 parenting books including Building Moral Intelligence and The Big Book for Parenting Solutions. “Not only can kids be mobilized to step in if they know what to do, but studies show that if they intervene correctly, they can stop an incident in as little as 10 seconds. We just need to give them the skills to make a difference.” And many kids are eager to help. One study found that 56 percent of tweens say they’ll usually either do or say something or run to find an adult to try to stop bullying when they observe it.

What Is Bullying, Really?
In order to get involved, though, your child first needs to know what to look for. “There’s a difference between teasing and bullying,” says Dr. Borba. “Every child is going to get teased at some point. That’s just a part of growing up. Bullying is intentional cruelty or aggressiveness by a child who is looking to inflict pain, and it is a behavior that is almost always repeated.” In addition, the bully usually enjoys seeing his victim in distress.

Talk with your child about the different kinds of bullying, such as physical, verbal and even sexual, and the characteristics of each. Discuss the difference between tattling and reporting so he’ll know when to go get help and when to stay out of a situation that may be harmless teasing. “I always tell kids that tattling is when you try to get kids in trouble when they aren’t hurting themselves, while reporting is when you’re trying to keep kids out of trouble because they may get hurt,” Dr. Borba explains. Of course, let your child know it’s always better to be safe than sorry. If he sees something that may constitute bullying, he should either try to intervene or let an adult know.

How to Step In, Buster
Once you’ve covered the basics of what bullying is, give your child the skills to intervene correctly. One of the best ways to do this is to practice. Ask your child what kinds of bullying scenarios he has witnessed and how he could have gotten involved. Talk about strategies you both think would be successful to end the bullying fast.

To make it easier for parents, Dr. Borba offers the BUSTER bystander skills:

B is for Be-friend the victim. “A bystander doesn’t even have to say anything to make a difference,” says Dr. Borba. “Just by standing closer to the victim, a child can scare a bully off or mobilize others to get involved.”

U is for Use distraction. Studies show that bullies want an audience. So by dispersing the crowd—either by yelling that a teacher is coming or making a loud noise by dropping your books on the floor—your child can take away the attention the bully craves and get her to move on.

S is for Speak out. “This is the hardest thing for bystanders to do,” says Dr. Borba. It’s a rare child who will stand up in a group and tell a bully to stop. Talk with your child and see if there is something she is comfortable saying, like ‘That’s mean!’ or even labeling it ‘That’s bullying.’”

T is for Tell. Many times teens are hesitant to tell on a bully for fear they’ll look like a snitch. Even so, assert to your child that he should find a teacher or another adult he trusts and tell her about what is going on.

E is for Exit. Again, bullies love attention. So if your child walks away and encourages other kids to go with him, he’s taking away the bully’s power.

R is for give a Reason or Remedy. “Most bystanders remain passive because they don’t know what to do,” says Dr. Borba. “But your child can mobilize the group by saying, ‘This is mean and needs to stop,’ or, ‘This is against the school’s anti-bullying policy.’” Or, he can throw out a remedy that may stop the bully cold, such as, “Let’s get Ms. Smith to see what she thinks of this disagreement.”

Talk to your child as well about what he shouldn’t do if he witnesses bullying. “The worst thing a bystander can do is belittle the bully—that's basically just bullying back,” Dr. Borba counsels. In addition, make sure your child knows to never get physically involved. Step in, but stay safe.

For more information on helping your child stand up to bullies, go to Dr. Borba’s website at www.micheleborba.com.