We plow through problems at work and press on to completion. When we hit hurdles, we figure out how to jump them and tackle the task. And we often help colleagues do the same. It’s our job. but when it comes to motivating our kids as they face mounting academic pressure and want to quit on homework, math class, swim practice or other challenges, we’re sometimes at a loss. It’s time for children to go back to school—and for us to help them succeed.

One of the most critical lessons of success is the simple principle of “stick-to-itiveness.” If kids are to survive and succeed in this competitive world, they must learn to hang in there and not quit. Perseverance, or not giving up, often makes the critical difference between success and failure in both childhood and adulthood. Does a child have the inner strength and stamina to “keep on keeping on,” or will he be plagued by self-defeat, unwilling to give it his best shot—and quite possibly fall just short of success? The skills of perseverance increase children’s potential for success because kids learn to bounce back and not let setbacks get them down. and those are the exact skills today’s kids need to handle ups and downs for the rest of their lives.

The Problem
Your child quits or gives up when the going gets rough, waits for or expects someone to rescue her or bail her out, is easily discouraged and/or sees mistakes as the sign of personal failure.

Red Flags

• Reluctance to try new tasks because of overriding concern that she’ll fail or make a mistake.
• Easily discouraged when she faces difficulties or setbacks.
• Needs encouragement or the promise of a reward to complete a challenging task.
• Often becomes defensive or blames others when she makes mistakes.
• Unwilling to try again if she is not successful with a task.
• Doesn’t recognize that the way you improve is by working harder; feels that success is more a matter of luck.
• Frequently says negative things about herself when she falls short of success.
• Devastated if she isn’t successful or doesn’t get the highest grade. Becomes overly frustrated, upset or quick to anger when something becomes difficult.

The Change to Parent For
Your child learns that success is a matter of hard work, recognizes that mistakes are a part of life and develops skills that help her persevere until she does succeed.

The Solution
Step 1: Early Intervention

Identify why your child is quitting.
Once you figure that out, you’ll be better able to find solutions and increase his stick-to-itiveness. The following is a list of common reasons kids give up. Do any apply to your child?

Fear of failure: Too much emphasis is placed on success, the grade, the trophy or the reward.

Unrealistic expectations: The task or placement is too advanced or difficult.

Fear of letting you down: Your child feels that your love is conditional and based on his success.

Expectation of rescue: Someone else always finishes the project, task, chore or assignment.

Perfectionism: Quitting is easier than the stress of not measuring up to his standards.

Learning or emotional challenges: A learning, neurological or emotional problem impedes his ability to follow through and stick to a task.

Short attention span: He has difficulty concentrating, has ADHD or other attention deficit and is easily distracted.

Stress: Recent trauma, family discord or illness makes focusing difficult.

Fear of humiliation: Your child doesn’t want to lose face among peers or others.

Define the word “perseverance.”
Take time to explain that it means “not giving up” or “hanging in there until you complete what you start.” Then use the word at fitting times to help your kid understand its importance. when he sticks to a task, say, “That’s perseverance. You hung in there even though it was hard.”

Model effort.
Commit to showing your child how you don’t give up on a task even when things get difficult. Before you start a new task, make sure he overhears you say, “I’m going to persevere until I am successful.”

Start a family “Never Give Up” motto.
If you haven’t already, begin using a family motto such as “Don’t quit until you succeed.” One family I know spent an afternoon brainstorming mottoes about perseverance like “try, try, and try again and then you will win,” “You’ll never succeed if you give up,” and “Quitters never win.”

They wrote them on index cards, and the kids taped them on their bedroom walls.

Step 2: Rapid Response
Assess expectations. One reason kids quit is that they’re burdened by unrealistic expectations. Expectations should gently stretch your child’s capabilities and expand her potential without snapping her confidence. To make sure the expectations you set for your child follow this rule, ask yourself:

Is my child developmentally ready for the tasks I’m requiring, or am I pushing her beyond her internal timetable? Learn what’s appropriate for your child’s age, but keep in mind that developmental guidelines are not etched in stone. Start from where she is.

Is my expectation fair and reasonable, or am I expecting too much? Realistic expectations stretch kids to aim higher, without pushing them beyond their capabilities. Situations that are too difficult put a child at risk of failing and lowering her feelings of competence.

Is what I’m expecting something my child wants or something I want more for myself? We all want our kids to be successful, but we have to be constantly wary of setting their goals based on our dreams.

Am I setting the kind of expectations that tell my child I believe she’s responsible, reliable and worthy? Effective expectations encourage kids to be their best, so they can develop a solid belief in themselves.

If you discover your expectations are unrealistic, it may be time to pull your child from that accelerated class, the soccer league or the guitar group. To continue with unrealistic expectations only sets your kid up for discouragement and a feeling of failure, leading her to want to give up.

Stretch work time. Watch your child a little more closely when she’s performing a task she usually gives up on: practicing the cello, going over math facts, reading her book. then (without her knowing) clock her to see the usual length of time she works before she quits. Jot down the average (for instance, “math fact studying: 5 minutes”), then share this and say she must work just “one minute more” (or a reasonable length that is slightly longer than her current “give up” time). set a timer for that length of time and stress that she must keep working until the timer goes off. Your goal is to keep gently stretching her work time until eventually (translation: however long it takes) it is twice as long. The stretching process will take a while, so make sure you are realistic with your expectations, and keep reinforcing her efforts.

Erase the notion that mistakes are bad. Children cannot learn to persevere unless they recognize how to deal with failure. In fact, making mistakes is a big part of how kids learn. succeeding depends on sticking with their efforts and not letting setbacks get them down. Here are four ways to help your child learn that mistakes aren’t fatal but instead a chance to start over:

Say “It’s okay to make a mistake.” Kids want so much to please us and are under such stress these days to excel. So give your child “permission to fail.” Help her recognize that mistakes can be positive learning experiences.

Admit your own mistakes. Own up to your errors, helping your child recognize that everyone makes mistakes.

Show acceptance. The quickest way our kids will learn to erase the idea that mistakes are fatal is for them to feel our accepting response to their errors.

Model how to bounce back. When you make a mistake, explain not only your error but also what you learned from it. “I learned I should always read the whole recipe before adding the eggs,” or “I was late for work because I couldn’t find my keys. I learned I need to put my keys in the same place every day.”

Step 3: Habits for Change
Discuss people who don’t give up. I love to tell children—especially kids who are struggling—brief stories about famous people who succeeded against the odds, who suffered enormous obstacles and setbacks but didn’t cave in or despair. These stories offer hope. the people looked at their problems as opportunities and kept at their dreams until they succeeded. Great examples for kids:

• Thomas Edison, the inventor of the lightbulb, was told by his teacher that he was too stupid to learn anything.
• Charles Darwin, the famous naturalist and developer of the theory of evolution, did quite poorly in his early grades and even failed a university medical course.
• Woodrow Wilson, a Rhodes scholar and president of the United States, didn’t learn the alphabet until he was 8; he didn’t read until he was 11.
• Albert Einstein did not talk until age 4 or read until age 9. He performed badly in almost all his high school courses and failed his college entrance exams.
• Michael Jordan was actually cut from his high school basketball team.
• Agatha Christie, the British mystery writer who was called the Queen of Crime, penned nearly 100 books that have sold some 2 billion copies—even though she had a learning disability called dysgraphia, which makes it hard to write legibly.

Teach your child “bounce back” statements. Saying a simple phrase inside his head can help your child hang in there, persevere on a difficult task and bounce back from adversity. Brainstorm a few statements together, have him pick one he’s most comfortable with, and then help him practice saying his statement aloud several times for a few days until he can remember to use it on his own. examples: “It doesn’t have to be perfect.” “I can learn from my mistakes.” “Everybody makes mistakes.” “I can’t get any better unless I try it.” “I made a mistake. Now I’ll correct it. I can turn it around.”

Ths article appeared as Don't Give Up in the August/September 2011 issue of Working Mother magazine.

Reprinted by permission of the publisher, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., from The Big Book of Parenting Solutions, by Michele Borba. Copyright © 2009 by Michele Borba.