You can help your kids feel less tense. Here’s how.

1. Spot pressure points. “Look at the factors in your family’s daily life that contribute to stress, and make small changes to improve them,” says Mary K. Alvord, PhD, a public education coordinator for the APA, who helped develop the Stress in America Survey. If morning routines are chaotic, set alarms 15 minutes earlier to ease the time crunch, or prep backpacks and lunches the night before. If things are raw when you get home from work, make dinner ahead in a slow cooker or assign your kids dinnertime tasks.

2. Show, don’t tell. “Give your kids a wide repertoire of positive coping strategies by managing your own stress in healthy ways,” says Dr. Ginsburg. “That means after a hard day’s work, rather than reach for a drink, you take a walk or jog, read the paper for a bit or sit and talk with your kids about their day in a relaxing way.” Mom of three Tammy Bankoski works at a college near her home in Dunkirk, NY. Her kids know the first week of school is always high stress. “When I walk in the door at night, I’ll say, ‘Give me fifteen minutes. Don’t talk to me or ask what’s for dinner. Let me go up to my room and change into comfy clothes,’ ” she says. “If I have fifteen minutes to breathe deeply, veg out and get comfortable, then I’m ready to talk. I think kids should know moms need to cope with stress, too.”

3. Fight fair. All couples argue, but how you do it may affect your kids’ stress levels. “The fact that you argue is less important than the arguments’ intensity and whether they are resolved,” says Dr. Alvord. “Anxiety rises when kids feel they don’t have control over things, making them feel vulnerable. Kids pick up on much more than parents realize, and they often misinterpret and worry about what they hear.” The right way to squabble? Nix name-calling, keep your sense of humor, and aim to solve the problem. An argument about money could become a productive, if still heated, brainstorming session on cost cutting. “You may even involve the kids in an age-appropriate manner,” Dr. Alvord adds.

4. Turn off your mom alarm. Something is bothering your child, but when you ask, “What’s wrong?” you get a flat “Nothing.” Don’t give up. “Kids shut down with parents not because they hate them, but because of how intensely they love them and don’t want to disappoint them,” says Dr. Ginsburg. “The parent alarm is when you react with crisis mode to any problem. If your son says, ‘Mom, I met this girl,’ your parent alarm goes off and you say, ‘You’re too young to date!’ ‘Mom, I had a bad day at school.’ ‘Let’s call the counselor. Maybe this isn’t the right school for you.’” Instead, calmly check in and tell him, “It’s all right. We’ll get through this together.” Ask questions in a way that shows your child you won’t be hurt, crazed or disappointed by the answer. Pick a low-stress time and place, like riding in the car, and gently share your concern: “How are you doing? You seem down. Am I reading you right?” Then shut off your parent alarm and just listen.

“Even if I’m running around, I find some time to say, ‘How was your day?’ in a comfortable spot, like sitting on their bed, when my kids don’t have to compete for my attention with a sibling, the TV or work,” says mom of three Rebecca Parks, who works in the consumer dealer division of Sherwin-Williams in Cleveland. “I’m focused on them. Sometimes they’re not in the mood to talk, and that’s okay. We’ll hang out and have a laugh.  I’ve been doing this since they were young, so now it’s a natural part of our day.”

5. Take a mini vacay. “Sometimes, the best way to solve a problem is to get away from it for a while,” says Dr. Ginsburg. “If your child is stressing over something, suggest he go outside and play, read a book or do anything he enjoys—which can lend fresh perspective.” This strategy works well for Gunnar Bankoski, who hopes to be a professional photographer one day: “When I’m feeling a lot of pressure, I’ll go outside and shoot photos for a while. It takes my mind off things and helps me focus on something good. I also like to rearrange things in my room or rewire my stereo. Doing something hands-on helps me work out anger and stress.”

6 Find perspective. Your kid flunks an exam and thinks, I blew this—I’ll never get into a good college. Experts call this “catastrophizing,” when kids project and then magnify the what-ifs, says Dr. Alvord. “Instead, reinforce that we all make mistakes and can learn from them what to do differently next time.” If your child’s latest test score hits bottom, suggest he ask his teacher for help or start reading his notes for five minutes each night rather than cramming.

“When my kids are disappointed by a grade or other performance, I often share my disappointments,” says Rebecca Parks. “Maybe I didn’t get a job I went for. Maybe another person was more qualified for it. That doesn’t mean I was a failure. It means it just wasn’t for me right now, though I gave it my best shot.”

7. Turn big stresses into small tasks. Help your kids learn to break down big projects into manageable chunks. “Having a plan and a timeline reduces anxiety and makes you feel like you’re making progress,” says Dr. Swenson. “So does writing lists and checking things off as you do them.” If your high school junior is already stressing about college, for example, set up a meeting with her guidance counselor to map out a to-do schedule of small, doable steps.

8. Hone healthy habits. “Critical stress-management tools for all of us are daily exercise and going to bed and getting up around the same times every day,” says Dr. Alvord. “Studies show kids who sleep well learn better and are less stressed.” Dr. Ginsburg also recommends teaching kids deep breathing to reduce stress anywhere: Close your eyes and inhale slowly; notice the air is cool. Exhale slowly and notice the air is warm. Repeat.

Finally, cultivate a habit of humor. Few things relieve stress like a good laugh. “After losing patience with my daughter recently,” says Phebe Ciulla, “I later went in her room to apologize and heard a little voice saying, ‘Ouch! Ouch!’ Maria was playing with the voodoo doll app on the iTouch, the doll covered in pins. I said, ‘Maria, is that voodoo doll me?’ She smiled and said, ‘Maybe.’ We both laughed, and I said, ‘I’m sorry I lost patience.’ I’m glad she has healthy ways to express feelings and ease tension. We both do”—making the weight of the world a little lighter.