As Christmas fast approaches, I am reminded that in about a week, Forest will make his departure and head off to a wilderness camp for "boys with emotional problems."

I'm still feeling the sting of those words: "emotional problems"

As a mom, I can't help but question if there was something I didn't do correctly, something I could have done better, or something I shouldn't have done at all in his upbringning - something that might have prevented this situation.

And while I don't think I'm a horrible mom, I can come up with an armload of items to put on that list.

When we started our little family, he and I, there was more than just he and I. The "plan" was to be married, have a family and grow a successful business together. I seem to have gotten things a little out of order, because I had the baby and the business, but the marriage never happened. And then I gave up my share of the business to the guy I was *supposed* to marry.

This is why I refer to that time of my life as "my young and stupid days". There's enough drama there to write another book! But I digress.

This year, in light of the relocation, my son has taking to chants of "You don't love me" or some other epithet that cuts just as deeply. And of course, in my mind I recall the ancient past, dig up the old bones, and stare, horrified, at the skeletons in my closet.

But the fact of the matter is, that's ALL in the past, and whether I was or wasn't a good mom then, I need to focus on what's best for Forest now. And all his chanting and berating me for not giving him all the computer time he wants before he leaves for camp is not a reflection of my present reality.

Forest loves to use guilt - because he knows it used to work on me - and still does sometimes. It's like using thumbscrews on me, because it cuts right to the core of my own "emotional problems".

As a business owner, I have worked hard to create something that would provide benefits to my children and myself. that takes committment and sacrifice.

As a mom, I have attended IEP's, teacher conferences, psychiatric evaluations, medical tests, hospitalizations and countless other "ations" that kids need.

Both have a place in my heart and in my life, and I shouldn't have to apologize for either. Ultimately, the decisions I make today determine what tommorrow will hold. When I get caught up in the apathy of being a parent, I stop caring about my tomorrow, because I'm too busy thinking about my past - and that's when guilt sets in.

So while I'd love a magic wand to get Forest to understand what's going on behind the scenes and stop his whining, I also understand his need to "lash out" a little before he is left in the wilderness with a group of almost strangers for the next 2 years. I also understand that the real problem isn't him - it's what's going on inside my own head.

I grapple with guilt. But I try to make light work of it. Here's how I do it:

1. Give myself a time frame. If I need to have a pity party, or really feel the guilt issues, I set a timer. Giving myself confines helps me keep the emotions I'm feeling in check. To be honest, you know you're going to feel the feelings, why not give yourself permission to do it?

2. I tap my friends. Sometimes it's just a quick "hey, can you tell me again I'm not a bad mom?" I've got a couple of very good friends that understand my situation and are willing to do even the silliest stuff to help me shake this feeling. They remind me that the choices I'm making are going to help Forest become a btter person - and that the whining will cease as a matter of course.

3. I check myself. The reality of the fact is that Forest just wants some extra feel-good attention, so I need to find ways to provide that. When I'm more proactive, I have fewer issues. When he's left to his own devices, well....

4. I keep perspective. Well, I try to. I remind myself all the things that my friends tell me. That I'm making positive choices, and that these outbursts are temporary.

5. I cry. Not always. But when I really need a good cry, I find my quiet place and I make it happen. Sometimes, you just need a good cry. I am a little mechanical sometimes, and crying is a great way to release some emotional tension. Laughing works too. It's hard to be upset when your'e laughing your head off.

6. I find people. On the phone, on twitter, in a church, a bookstore, or at a friend's house. I never ry to go it completely alone. For me, that only makes matters worse. I need that external stimulus to "distract" me from the heaviness of the guilt - and to set me back on the positive path. It's easy to get wrapped up in yourself. It's harder to do that with others around.

7. I pray. It's not fancy or fussy, just a cance for me to breathe deep and reconnect to my faith and the belief that God has equipped me with everything he has called me to do.

More often than not, it's a combination of these things, not usually ALL of these things, that helps me bring my sanity back.

So this Christmas, in the hustle and bustle, all I really want is peace at home.

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Lisa and Forest are currently working on writing a book about this camp experience. This blog features bits and pieces of Lisa's perspective. Watch this blog for weekly updates, and sign up at http://www.TheRenaissanceMom.com to get notified when the book is released!