My wife, Erin, was away on a business trip when our son Wilson got kicked out of kindergarten. I told her what happened on the phone late at night after putting the boys to bed. Wilson had stabbed a classmate with a pencil and hurled a chair, the final straw in a string of discipline problems. Erin had been to the meetings at school, so the news wasn’t a big surprise. But that didn’t make it any easier to hear. “I wish I was home right now,” she said.

I wanted her home, too, but on a practical level, I knew a little distance was just what our family needed. We adopted Wilson, 6, and Oliver, 3, domestically when they were babies. We’ve been finding that the neglect they suffered during their crucial first months of life has been catching up with them. So we make an extra effort to be very patient with them and to use positive language that helps bolster their self-confidence. As a freelance writer, I have the time to be their full-time dad, but I don’t always have the patience to be their therapist. That’s where Erin comes in. Though she has a thriving graphic design business and I log more parenting hours, she ends up being the more effective parent precisely because she’s not around as much. Being at work gives Erin time and space to reflect on challenging situations that I tend to just react to.

Whether the crisis of the day is fighting, tantrums or general chaotic destruction, she has the buffer to figure out a solution. When the boys’ sharing battles escalated into sharing wars, she suggested offering them a do-over. She told Oliver, “Instead of yanking the car out of your brother’s hand and drawing on his face with a marker, let’s give the toy back and ask this time.”

It worked. I used to take her suggestions as criticism of my parenting skills, but I’ve gotten over that—I realize that without her perspective, I’d have gone off the deep end long ago.

The morning after Wilson’s expulsion, I woke up anxious. Erin wasn’t coming back until later that night. How would I explain to him why he wasn’t going to school? My email in-box pinged and, like magic, the answer arrived: “Tell him we don’t think he’s happy in school so we’re going to try taking a break.” Erin had sent me the perfect language to spin the situation for a 6-year-old without damaging his self-esteem.

“Remember,” she added, “he’s a great kid and you’re a great dad.” As I read that last line, a knock-down fight erupted in the boys’ room over a Lego figure. Time for a do-over. Before I left to break it up, I sent Erin a quick reply: “And you’re a great mom.”

What My Wife has Learned from Me

While Erin is usually the idea person, I’ve figured out a few things during the hours I’ve logged with the kids.

1. It’s a rough-and-tumble world. Wrestling, pillow fights, full-body mud battles—they’re essential for kids to get their ya-yas out.

2. A change of scenery helps. If the kids can’t get along under your roof, take them outdoors.

3. Some multitasking is okay. Fitting in an errand here and a few emails there means you can offer your kids your full attention when they really need it.