If, like me, you’re raising a tween or teen, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Isn’t it enough that we have to wrangle puberty, mood swings, hanging out, dating, the clothes, the laptops, the iPods, the hyped up cell phones, the demise of conversation and the rise of texting? Of course not. Now we have to deal with “sexting.” Yikes! What’s a savvy but stressed working mom to do? Ah, where to start…. Let’s get to the immediate terror first; then we’ll cover the  basic rules of texting. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Go directly to your child and discuss why sexting—sending nude or suggestive pictures of yourself or sexual messages via texting—is a no go.

Twenty percent of teenagers report having sexted, according to a recent survey by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy. “Texting or posting any picture or message that can be construed in any way as compromising or something your kid might want to erase later on is absolutely not smart—but it is permanent,” says renowned educational psychologist Michele Borba, EdD (micheleborba.com), author of more than 20 books including The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. “Once your child presses ‘send,’ she can’t call it back. But young people don’t think this way until it’s too late.” High School Musical’s Vanessa Hudgens knows this all too well; a nude picture she reportedly sent to another actor was passed around the Internet like a hot potato. Plus, nude photos of minors can be considered pornographic and therefore illegal to send.

What you need to stress with your child: If there’s any doubt about what she’s sending through her cell phone in terms of her safety or breaking the law, she needs to save it, wait and go back and reconsider her message before she sends it, asserts Dr. Borba. And she should never send when she’s angry. “Suggest she ask herself, ‘What would my grandmother think if she saw or read this on TV?’ and ‘How would I feel if I received this?’” she adds. “Kids send and share, and then others share what they receive. There’s no privacy—and there’s no lock and key on text messaging.” This brings us to texting in general. “As with many things in your child’s life, limits should be set,” says Dr. Borba.

On average, teens send and receive some 1742 text messages a month (about 58 a day!), compared to 231 calls, while texts versus calls are just 357 to 204 for all ages of cell phone subscribers, according to a 2008 Nielsen survey. That means teenagers spend a lot of time texting, often to the detriment of homework, sleep and good old-fashioned conversation. You have every right to limit texting if you assess that it’s out of hand—even from the get-go. “Let your child know that texting is a privilege that can be revoked if abused,” says Dr. Borba. “And remind her never to offer personal information via text—it can be posted anywhere.” Your rules about texting should be based on your family’s values, which in some cases may mean no texting at all. There is an upside to texting where you as a parent are concerned. “You can text with your child—a great way for the two of you to stay connected,” suggests Dr. Borba.

“Ask her to teach you if you don’t know how, and learn the basic shortcut jargon so you can be on the same page.” This works for my 13-year-old daughter and me. She even sends little notes when she’s around her friends, at times when she might not want to call. But when she texts a terse request that needs further discussion (“Can I go to Stephanie’s house after school?”), I text back, “Call me. We have to talk about this first.” And she does.

Texting Rules

If you think texting is taking over your child’s life, says Dr. Michele Borba:

Set number and time limits. Sign up for a service with a limited plan, one that lets you shut off your child’s texting when she goes beyond a certain number or at certain times of the day.

Hold her responsible. If your kid goes over her text limit, consider having her pay overage fees from her allowance. This can really add up, so she’s apt to be more careful.

Nix the photo phone. To be really safe, offer a cell phone sans camera. Perhaps your child can work up to one as she gains your trust with sensible texting habits.