My husband and I have a 2-career/2-children family. I say it that way because our careers don’t just lurk in the background; they are ever-present factors that shape and are shaped by the choices we make. This reality bears heavily on me because I have been devoting a lot of thought to where I am vs. where I want to be professionally.  My current work arrangement is about as family friendly as can be and for that I am extremely thankful. I also really respect and admire the people I work for and with. And I work close to home  Those are all invaluable things.  But...I don’t feel challenged anymore; I need regular change in order to feel refreshed and re-energized. Also, I’ve been measuring how I stack up to my peers of equal education and time in the workforce in the same chosen field. At best I’m probably somewhere in the middle in terms of job stature. And, overacheiver that I am, I wish I was closer to the top.  So these things leave me feeling disjointed professionally.

Granted, I chose to leave the traditional path I was on – as an associate in a law firm - for a non-traditional legal path so I could maximize the amount of time I could be available to the family I dreamed of having. I knew full well that my career stature would take a hit. But, I counted on being able to continue to advance nonetheless as time went on. And that’s exactly what nags at me now, that feeling that because I have not reached higher levels I am therefore not working to my greatest potential.  As if I have failed myself in some way. 

As I work through these thoughts there’s a bigger question that demands consideration, which is Is working at a higher level even right for me at this time in my life?  What if it meant that I had to work longer hours? Or take a position elsewhere with a much longer commute? Or no longer have the freedom of leaving my work at work when I leave at the end of the day? Or having a supervisor who wasn’t really understanding of, and supportive of, the demands of family? I already struggle tremendously to juggle work and a family – I can’t imagine faring well if my work commitment was increased.  And I look at my boys each night and think I don’t want to be away from them any more than I already am; I want to be with them more, not less.  Yet, I continue to struggle to reconcile my personal and my professional goals and ambitions.

I can’t seem to arrive at a clear-cut answer. I wish I could shut down that part of me that compels me to push ahead professionally. Am I flawed in that I am not blissfully happy with all that I have already and content with leaving my career to idle while I enjoy these precious years with my boys and my husband? Why is this so hard for me? I can’t be the only woman who feels this way, right?