A few months ago at my daughter’s Montessori school, each child was to take their parent around the room, giving them “lessons” in various areas. I sat at the table as my daughter showed me how she folded her napkin, and a little boy walked towards us. As soon as I painted on a smile to say, “Hi there little fella!” my daughter looked him straight in the eye and said politely but firmly, “William, I’m working now. Please walk away.” And he did! I was floored. My child displayed such specificity and poise as she promptly communicated her authentic needs by owning her space and clarifying her boundaries. Equally impressive, the boy immediately understood the message and respected the request without pushing back, becoming emotional or escalating the situation.

I regularly consult with leaders and teams to improve internal communications, build trust and increase productivity and morale. So I couldn’t help but think, Why can’t adults do this? Somewhere along the way we’ve lost the ability to be direct but respectful, protect our personal space without alienating others and define personal boundaries without building walls of distrust. More often we tend to opt for a less effective communication approach that often brings a host of unwanted consequences. Examples might be a team member frustrated by a boss who is contacting her outside of work hours (perhaps during vacation), expecting her to continue working; or (closer to my daughter’s scenario) team members working in cubicles frustrated by constant interruptions from other team members who regularly show up in their space unannounced with a “quick” question. Instead, of using direct, specific feedback, we often opt for a less direct, easier to muster alternate approach which often brings its own host of consequences.

Two typical approaches and consequences, along with more effective alternatives:

1. Say nothing. With this approach, you essentially do not address the issue in an attempt to avoid conflict.  It’s safe but certainly not effective. In the workplace silence often implies consent, and that can be dangerous. If Sally often drops by your desk to chat after grabbing her morning coffee and you entertain that, you’re encouraging the behavior. When you finally do say something after you’ve reached your boiling point, you may overreact because you’re frustrated with not just today’s interruption but months of them.

Alternative: Say something like, “Sally, I’m doing great! I wish I could chat right now, but I’ve put myself on a strict “appointment only” schedule since my workload is so heavy.  If you need to meet, would you mind emailing me so that we can set something up?” If that doesn’t work, put a whiteboard outside your cube indicating when you’re available for interruption and when you’re not. In these ways, you both address a problem and clarify boundaries—so others can’t define them for you.

2. Send a vague and/or confusing message. With this approach you say something, just not what you really want to say. Unfortunately, this can backfire. For example, if you tell Sally you can’t talk right now because you’ve got to run to a meeting, and she later notices you still sitting at your desk, she’ll certainly wonder why you were dishonest. Or if you tell her you’ve got to run to a meeting, but you’d definitely like to chat later, she’ll likely come back.

Alternative: My 3-year-old has the skill most adults struggle with: Direct, clear statements among colleagues is key to both communicating clearly and building strong, healthy, respectful relationships. 

Next time you need to stand up for yourself in the workplace, make sure your communication meets the following criteria:

You are being…

—Direct

—Clear

—Firm

—Respectful

—Unwavering

—Honest

Certainly, pick your battles. Some issues you’ll choose to let slide. But when it comes to setting boundaries in the workplace, seize the opportunity. Your colleagues may just respect you for it.

Dana Brownlee is an acclaimed keynote speaker, corporate trainer and team development consultant.  She is president of Professionalism Matters, a boutique professional development corporate training firm based in Atlanta, GA. Contact Dana here.