Today finally realized a months long dream of mine. I've bought the website: FatUglyOldAuPairs.com
Giggle if you must, but ladies, I have a vision. A vision we can all share and rejoice in. Today I have taken the first step to educate today's sitters as to proper etiquette, attire, and demeanor when watching our children.
I cannot take sole credit for this miraculous new website. As with most strokes of genius it started with tragedy that was turned into something beautiful through the wit and wisdom of brilliant women - and a few glasses of wine.
It all started innocently enough when my friend shared pictures of the au pairs who were applying for the position she had posted with our wine - er, book - club. To say that these women were beautiful would be doing them a disservice. It was like looking through head shots of supermodels. So here is rule #1 on the newly launched website: tone it down, bitches! For real. because even if you find the most self-assured woman (which my friend just so happens to be) she undoubtedly has a gaggle of snarky friends who simply won't allow Au Pair Barbie move in with her family. Truly, marriage is hard enough, we do not need the younger, hotter version of us moving in - the is not Sister Wives.
So aspiring au pairs please pick up some reading glasses, throw in some low lights, take off the makeup, and then send in your picture for consideration.
The next big lesson the website will feature is that your job is in fact a job. Please don't apply for the position because you are a free spirit and need to "keep your schedule loose." When you are late for your job then us working moms are guess what - bingo - late for our jobs! If you take off a month to get married, please don't call up a day before you are due back to work and ask if we really need you back so soon. Because the answer is yes. Perhaps you can cut and paste this last sentence onto a sheet of actual paper and tape it to your mirror so you see it every morning.
On the flip side, we don't need you to be the Nazi Nanny. Now I appreciate a good boundary as much as the next girl. But there is such a thing as being too strict. If my kid has allergies and her nose is runny I don't want you calling me every day to come take care of her and then tell me what medications I should be giving her and then insinuating a week from now when her nose is still runny (because it is allergy season) that I am somehow a bad mom for not over medicating my kid.
So here's rule #2: if any of us mothers want your advice we will most certainly ask for it but until that time comes - and it never might - just zip it.
I don't want to overwhelm you but you get the idea. I again have to thank my little seven pound eight ounce Baby Jesus with the golden curly hair and the blue tuxedo that none of these situations were ever anything I experienced. Though unfortunately, each scenario is real and heart breaking to watch your friends endure. it's only by some miracle that between my parents and the sitters I've been blessed with, I've never had one single complaint. In fact I am thinking of recruiting my mom, Miss Barbara, Miss Heather, and Miss Janice to give some lessons I can post on the website. Just not sure they'd be crazy about the idea of being the spoke people for a website called FatOldUglyAuPairs.com. I will need to work on that.
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