Dear readers, how many of you have ever had the pleasure of having a conversation with a colleague or acquaintance that goes something like this: “My son has been invited to be on the competitive soccer team. He’s such a gifted player.” Usually they tell you this right after they tell you about their fabulous family vacation and right before they tell you how expensive their watch is. I typically just nod politely and fight back the overwhelming urge to tell them that I know for a fact that every seven-year old whose family is willing to pay the money “makes” the competitive soccer team (mostly because that’s how my son got on, bless his heart), that my stay-cation rocked, and I like my watch that I bought in the Target clearance section a hundred times better than the pricey time piece they have dangling from their arm.

And I am a horrible person because I secretly hope my son plays the game of his life (chances ar slim to none) when we play this kid’s team and kicks this kids butt. In front of his parents. While I laugh. I know I am going to hell, my bedazzled hand-basket is ready and waiting.

But here’s the thing, these people were douche bags before they had kids. Kids just gave them extra reasons to be douchey. The problem is the rest of us want so desperately to not be these people that we are afraid to talk about the cool things our kids do.

I’m desperate to reverse this trend. Mostly to make up for the fact that we end up getting blamed for everything our kids do wrong. Your child still wets the bed at age seven? Clearly you’ve fallen short as a parent. Your daughter isn’t in all AP classes? Well if you hadn’t allowed so much red dye #40 in her diet she’s probably be teaching the class by now. Didn’t make the volleyball team – your fault. Got knocked up in high school – shame on you.

Since we take the heat for all the things our kids do wrong I want to recommend that we all start tooting their horns when they actually do something amazing. For the 98% of us who aren’t awful human beings who exists only to make other people feel worse about themselves we need to take back the right to brag a little about our offspring. I promise this won’t make you a douche bag.

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