So you and your spouse haven’t gone to bed at the same time in maybe the last five years.  

I mean sleeping. At bedtime. It started out with the baby being up all night, but now it’s a pattern.  After work it’s tasks nonstop -- meal prep, serving, cleanup, homework help, you know the drill. By the time the kids are in bed you are ready to collapse, but it’s time to make lunches, catch up on work email, unload the dryer. 

You never really finish, but by the time your partner falls into bed your day is just starting. You’re basking in the peace and quiet and -- wonder of wonders -- nobody is asking you for anything.  Listening to most moms, I start to hear that Guy Masterson song from Guys and Dolls running through my head: “My time of day is the night time...”

Trouble is, you and your partner are missing out on some of the most powerful moments in your day as a couple, pillow talk. These don’t need to last long, but that opportunity to snuggle down together, exchange a few words about the day, and murmur I love you can keep you two close all through the next day’s busyness.

How can you make time for pillow talk and still get precious minutes for yourself?

1. Make sure your nightly routine's shared fairly. How can your partner pick up more chores so you aren’t run ragged all evening?  Sit down together, make a list of tasks, and divvy them up.  Don't forget to count both your work catching-up and his. And be sure to include the “little” ones you just “quickly take care of” when nobody’s watching. These add up, and there goes your night.

2. Schedule Me Time before the kids are in bed. Even 15 minutes can make a huge difference to your state of mind and body. Choose a quiet room or a favorite chair, set an alarm, and stay there until it turns into a pattern. Worried about missing kid time?  Prioritize that and leave the laundry in the dryer.

3. Talk to your spouse about sexual signals. Avoiding the bed because it’s turned into a sexual battleground? Be sure your partner knows that getting under the covers with him doesn’t mean you automatically want sex. Talk about how you’ll let each other know when you’re interested...and how you’ll gently indicate that tonight’s not the night.