File this under myth busters. A new survey may challenge your perceptions of teens’ sex lives.

Over the last few years, the notion of young people having “friends with benefits” left us imagining (and reading about) teens regularly engaging in oral sex in the schoolyard and other public places – and that this behavior was popular among kids who didn’t feel ready for intercourse.

The new data, released by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in a study called The National Survey of Family Growth, disputes this. It found that just less than half of U.S. teens ages 15 to19 have had vaginal intercourse. Here’s what might surprise you: only about 15 percent of these young people first engaged in oral sex.

So when you’re talking with your child about sex, it’s important to take a comprehensive approach. This means talking about the reasons to delay sexual intimacy and how to protect themselves if they don’t. It means talking openly about oral sex (yes, it is sex). It means talking openly about using condoms correctly and consistently to protect against disease and birth control to avoid pregnancy.

These conversations are an opportunity to share your values. Above all, tell the truth – this makes you a reliable source of information and one your child will be more likely to come to with his or her questions and concerns.

Reading about the new survey reminded me of my friend Donna’s first conversation about oral sex with her nine-year-old son David, a story told in our booklet Words Can Work: When Talking With Kids About Sexual Health.

David was eating his cereal as he watched the news on TV. Suddenly he said, “Mom, what’s oral sex?” 

Stunned, Donna stared at her 9-year-old. I’m not ready for this, she thought. “It’s when two people have sexual intercourse, and then talk about it,” she said.

David stared back. “Oh, come on Mom!” David said.

Donna took a deep breath. “OK,” she began again. “It’s when a man puts his penis in a woman’s mouth, and a man kisses a woman’s vagina.” 

David turned pale. “That’s disgusting!” he said.

Donna tried to reassure him. “This is something some adults who love each other enjoy,” she explained. “There will probably come a day when it doesn’t seem disgusting to you.” David went back to eating his cereal. Donna reminded him he could always ask questions about things he doesn’t understand. “If you ask your friends instead of me,” she said, “you might not get the right information.”  

Donna recognized the irony in what she’d said. “I had to tell him the truth,” she says. “If I continued to make something up, he wouldn’t come back to me. Then I’d lose those opportunities to give him the information as I want him to hear it.”

Donna’s awkward attempts to keep the door to communication open paid off. She and David have continued to talk openly and honestly. He’s learning the truth. That helps keep him safe.