I love It’s a Wonderful Life. I know it’s a holiday tradition for many. It leaves me feeling extremely reflective afterwards. But I don’t watch it for the feel good moment at the end. Don’t get me wrong. The ending is wonderful when George realizes how loved he is and that happiness and joy are a result of the relationships we have in life. The reality is that I do have a “George Bailey kind of wonderful life.” I am loved by God, by family, and by friends. I have my health and career I adore. I don’t want for food, shelter, or any other biological needs.

And, yet-I already know some of you out there will be annoyed that I’m about to say this-I sometimes crave what George Bailey experienced, which was the opportunity to have a different life. One moment, I can’t imagine being anyone other than who I am with a husband and daughter I love. Another moment, I’ll get into my car to drive home from work and look for the quickest way to get to the interstate and just drive away.

I have a hard time reconciling that side of me that seeks to run away-not from adulthood-but from marriage and mommyhood. I still want to be me, just a me that isn’t encumbered by a husband and child. Yes, other women have shared this same sentiment after fights and tantrums, but I have these thoughts on some of my best days when the sun is shining and all is going well at home and work. It takes me back to the early days when my daughter was a newborn and I would look at her and wonder, “Who is this alien that has invaded my life.” I didn’t have that instant bonding moment where I fell in love with my child. Nope. I felt nothing but a nagging feeling that I had made a mistake with becoming a parent. If Clarence had shown up in the hospital and given me a do-over, I believe that I would have taken him up on that offer.

I hope you don’t think me callous for having expressed that. If you do, then maybe you should stop reading. I just think it’s a very real feeling for many women, and I’m not ashamed to admit that I feel this on occasion. But I know for a fact that if Clarence were standing before me at this moment and giving me the chance to take a glimpse at my life without my husband and daughter, I wouldn’t take it. I wouldn’t want to miss the opportunity of creating memories with my family, like the three of us chasing my sister in the Chicago marathon in freezing temperatures or getting beaten in Yahtzee by a five year old or celebrating our anniversary in a boat underneath the Golden Gate Bridge. I’d channel George Bailey and beg for my life back.

“I wanna live again! Clarence! Clarence! Help me, Clarence. Get me back. Get me back. I don't care what happens to me. Only get me back to my wife and kids. Help me, Clarence, please. Please! I want to live again. I want to live again. I want to live again.....Please, God, let me live again.”

“Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?” Beautifully said, Clarence.