Sometimes “just trying” isn’t good enough.

That’s the lesson I learned this morning from Lexi. Believe me…I was wrapping my brain around this concept, too, because it just seemed wrong to say that out loud. Wasn’t it only a week ago that I wrote about my need to be more encouraging with Lexi? Apparently, I was too encouraging this morning.

Before I launch into what occurred this morning, I need to give you some context so that you can understand why I said what I did. As a child, teenager and young adult, my value was gauged by my performance in school and my effectiveness in getting things done with excellence. And while it caused me endless amounts of grief and tears, I can’t say I regret my upbringing because it shaped who I am today. However, I never wanted my child(ren) to feel loved and valued based on grades or performance. I shared with my husband long before we had Lexi about my fears of being too demanding as a parent when our child(ren) started school, and I asked him to keep me in check if I ever became too harsh about studying habits and achieving good grades.

Fast-forward six years. It’s Friday morning, and Lexi is scheduled to take her first spelling test in the first grade that will result in a grade. In the back of my brain, a part of me was thinking about how much I wanted her to get good grades-perfect grades- for the next 12+ years. Messed up…I know, but I feel the need to share my thoughts with you. I wanted to forge a new path for her, one in which she is loved unconditionally. So I told her this morning that her dad and I were proud of her for the effort she took to study her spelling words and that the test score didn’t matter as long as she tried her best. I secretly patted myself on the back.

But Lexi was not happy with my “encouragement.” Her response was so…Lexi.

“Mommy, why would you be proud of me for just trying? I know how to spell these words. I won’t be proud of myself if I miss them. Doing my best means spelling them right.”

But, Lexi, sometimes the effort is more important than the grade or whatever the task is.

“I know, Mommy. Be proud of me for trying if I’m doing something hard or something I’ve never done before, but don’t be proud of me for just trying on my spelling test. This is something I know how to do.”

Where in the parent manual does it talk about responding to a little person who knows more than you???

She’s right. I wanted her to feel loved and valued for who she is and not what she does, but she also let me know that there are times that she needs me to raise my expectations for her, not lower them.

I used to coach managers and supervisors on how to handle team members that didn’t perform their jobs well. The managers used to tell me that they wanted all their staff to feel valued and while they wanted to recognize a person’s effort, sometimes the effort isn’t good enough. It was the execution of the actual task or goal that was needed. They would ask for my thoughts on the matter, and I would share with them that our expectations of people need to match their knowledge, abilities and capabilities. I would explain that each person’s learning style is unique and that development needed to be tailored to them so that while one team member needed a one month learning curve, they might have another that needed a three-month learning curve and to extend grace and patience when needed. They would also ask me how to handle the “star performer” on their team who is bored out of their mind by the lack of challenge. My response was similar in that the goal of any manager is to inspire their team to give their very best. I explained that holding the star performer to the same standard as a struggling team member would result in a losing situation for everyone.

Listen to the individual about the ways they learn, about what encourages them, about how they define a “job well done.”

Seems I should have heeded my own advice when it came to Lexi this morning. But I love that she feels comfortable enough to tell me how she feels and to hold me accountable to challenging her, not to pacifying her.

Have you ever struggled with finding that balance between encouraging others to give their best while also challenging them to see beyond their current capabilities?