Lexi asked me who she would live with should my husband and I die. That may seem morose coming from a six year-old, but we don’t find any of her questions to be strange anymore. It’s just who she is. And we don’t shy away from tough questions. It keeps parenting interesting!

My husband and I have discussed the question of legal guardianship should something happen to us, but I was guessing that Lexi already had some thoughts about the topic since she initiated it.

“If something were to happen to us, Lexi, where would you like to live?”

My sweet girl thought about it and launched into a very lengthy monologue in which she named multiple family members and her reasoning for them:

“…[Aunts and Uncles] because they look like you and daddy and I would feel like you were still with me when I looked at them. [Grandparents] because they don’t have any children right now and would have the time to take care of me. [Aunts and Uncles with children] because living with my cousins would mean I wouldn’t be alone since I don’t have any sisters and brothers…”

She continued with her list of family members and how living with each one would be beneficial. But she ended with this:

“Mommy, it doesn’t really matter who I live with if you and daddy died. Everyone in my family loves me and would take care of me. But none of them are you.”

I think she said that as a way to comfort me, and I do love hearing out loud that my daughter feels loved by her family and would be alright living with any of them, but her last statement stayed with me.

But none of them are you.

I feel so fortunate to have so many family members who love our daughter and would provide a safe environment for her to explore, learn and live, but no one can serve as “mom by proxy.” My husband and I live in a neighborhood with a homeowner’s association and, periodically, we are asked to vote on changes to the bylaws. We are allowed to vote in person or by proxy, meaning our presence isn’t actually required. We could have someone else vote for us and the vote would be equally valid. Nothing is lost or gained by voting by way of proxy.

The same cannot be said for “mom by proxy.” For me, parenting is such a unique experience, and while my husband and I could choose family members with similar faith, similar values, similar lifestyles, similar appearance even-the experience Lexi would receive would be wholly different. There would be many losses and gains involved.

Some of our family members are so much more athletic and physically fit than I am. They would make sure Lexi exercises and eats well in a way that I don’t. Some of my family members enjoy traveling so I’m guessing Lexi would get to see a lot of the world and her surroundings that she might not get with us. Our family members have knowledge of computers, medicine, communication, art, cooking, flying, photography, etc…that neither my husband and I know much about so we know Lexi would learn much and explore hobbies that she wouldn’t otherwise explore with us as her parents.

But a “mom by proxy” might not be so patient with her when she is watching a new movie. Lexi will ask a question about the characters, plot, setting, etc…every few seconds to make sure she understands. Then she’ll watch it a second time and a third time and a fourth time, but each time, she has less questions. How do I know this to be true? Ask my sisters. They experienced watching a movie with Lexi and felt slightly crazy that my daughter could not watch the movie in silence.

I love this about Lexi. She doesn’t like listening to dialogue and not understanding, especially when they use idioms, sarcasm, etc…She wants to understand the context of when and where the story is set because it matters to her. When she goes to a movie theater, she knows it’s not polite to ask questions out loud because we have explained that it distracts other people. We also know that she doesn’t enjoy watching movies that way so we rarely take her to the movies. We would much rather watch it in the comfort of our home and allow her the opportunity to ask all the questions she needs.

A “mom by proxy” might not find it funny that Lexi likes to eat her pancakes in a progressive order. The first pancake she eats is plain. With each new pancake, she adds a different ingredient or flavor. Why? Because she is honing her taste buds to determine what she likes and doesn’t like. If I make a pancake with multiple additions, she can’t discern what is pleasing and not pleasing. It’s her own controlled experiment! And I absolutely love when she does stuff like that, but it does require some extra time and patience. A “mom by proxy” with other children may view this as coddling and be annoyed.

Someone else could be mother my daughter, but no one can be a mom to Lexi in the way I can. The same is true of my husband. I can't even be his proxy!

What matters most to you when you think about someone else caring for your child(ren)?