If you have ever said this to your teenage child(ren), I want you to stop reading this right now and go apologize. It doesn’t matter if they’re grown and have children of their own.

If you are embarrassed about having the sex talk with your children, continue reading. If you are not embarrassed about having that talk, continue reading so that you can share your thoughts afterwards.

Maybe it wasn’t that particular statement. Maybe you told your teenager before they went on a date that “1+1=3.” Or you told you daughter to warn all boys she dated to “keep his snake in the cage.” I’m a pretty conservative person, and even typing these words causes me to blush, but I’m talking about it anyway because it’s important. At work, I facilitate workshops to leaders around the importance of conducting crucial conversations well. Crucial conversations are those where (1) emotions are high, (2) there are differing opinions and (3) there’s a lot at stake. I share that these conversations are so important that if you hold them poorly, then little else matters. The relationship rides on the outcome of these conversations.

The same holds true at home. As parents, we are responsible for holding crucial conversations with our kids. If we don’t, we run the risk that someone else will. The “sex talk” is one of those crucial conversations. Before anyone freaks out, my husband and I did not have the sex talk with our five-year-old daughter. That’s not even appropriate. I had the chance to spend 18 hours in a church van with a wonderful mix of people that included four teenagers ranging from 16-19. (They’re going to read this and say, “we’re not teenagers; we’re young adults.” Hmmm…as long as your age ends in “teen,” you’re a teenager so suck it up. I say that with love, of course.)

I overheard them discussing the lame things parents have said when trying to talk about sex, and I had to interject because they sounded…well…lame even to me. (I can already hear my cell ringing after their parents read this.) I asked them how they felt about their parents talking to them about sex, and unanimously, the answer was “It’s awkward.” What makes it awkward? “Nhung, it’s how they say it. They’ll wait until you’re about to head out and then say one of these lame statements. We’re supposed to understand what that means, but it’s really just lame.” That was the gist of the responses. So I asked under what circumstances their parents could have the sex conversation without it feeling awkward, and I loved that one young girl told me that her parents had been talking about it with her for a while so that instead of a single conversation with a “don’t have sex message,” it was a discussion around purity, honoring your body and when sex is appropriate.

I stated that while the sex talk was uncomfortable to them, it was equally, if not more uncomfortable for their parents. I know this because parents admit this to me all the time. “I just want to avoid the conversation at all cost. I don’t need to have it-their mother will or their father will. My kids already receive sex education in school, and the school can do a better job of explaining it than I can. These kids are so smart these days. They know what’s right and wrong. They know the possible consequences.” They do? How do you know that? You’re going to leave it up to chance? In high school, students are required to have four years of science and math, but they’re only required one semester for sex ed…if that?
Fellow parents, I know that this is a tough and potentially embarrassing conversation to have, but you know what I’m going to say? You got it. Suck it up. You’re the parent. Parenting isn’t about being comfortable. It’s not about being cool or popular in the eyes of your child. At the end of the day, they want to know whether you care enough about them, their bodies, their heart, mind and soul to say the hard and potentially embarrassing things.

Throwing out cavalier one-liners that are intended to make light of the situation can do more harm than you know. Am I preaching? Probably, but listening to these four tell me how I can show love to my daughter ten years from now was powerful. I was humbled. I have spent upwards of 20 hours preparing a one day leadership workshop that may or may not have a lasting impact on them, but do I plan to spend a quarter of that same amount of time preparing for the crucial conversations with my daughter that will impact her for a lifetime?

I tend to seek the wisdom and knowledge of those older than me, but I need to make sure to surround myself with teenagers and young adults. They are the subject matter experts when it comes to the content and delivery of material I need to cover with my daughter in the coming years. I have a lot to learn. Heaven forbid Lexi would ever call me lame!

Have you had the sex talk with your kids yet? How’d it go?