I have started writing this post mentally hundreds of times. It sounds pretty good at 3 am, when I am laying sleepless in my bed, writing in my head. As I sit here actually typing, the words aren’t coming quite as smoothly. Things in my household and in my work have been in a state of upheaval for months.
My oldest son left eighth grade and started high school. My middle daughter started seventh grade. My “baby” left the little kids campus and started fourth grade.. This may not sound earth shattering, but for me, it was. I know my children are doing exactly what they are supposed to do, but as a mom, it really changed my reality. I have a son in high school! I have a tween with lousy grades who prefers her friends to me. I have a ten year old, who I still refer to as little baby, who is gaining on me in height and plays tackle football. Things here have changed. I am finally getting a handle on what that means for my household (driving help) and me as a parent (patience!). It has been a difficult road for me to travel.
Change is hard.
My work life has been filled with unsettling change, too. The department I have worked in for years has been disbanded. I no longer have the comfort of my wonderful and familiar colleagues. I have a new set of wonderful colleagues, but it is very different. I am blessed to have meaningful and challenging work as courses are rewritten and my “old” department is restructured. However, with no timeline or details in sight, it is both challenging and disconcerting. I miss my students and I miss teaching.
Did I mention, change is hard?
If my kids growing up and my work life being in flux wasn’t enough, middle age has knocked me over with a sledge hammer. How am I supposed to be calm, cool and collected in the face of change when I am sweating profusely and feel like flames could be shooting out of the top of my head? Laying awake writing blog posts in my head at 3 am doesn’t do much for my patience, which my daughter tries on an hourly basis. My metabolism has ground to a screeching halt. I can gain five pounds just cooking dinner. This makes getting dressed a horrific and fearful event. What will fit today? What won’t fit, ever again? Getting dressed has become a fear inducing and sometimes depressing event. Thank goodness I work from home with a work wardrobe made up of jeans and yoga pants. I can’t imagine going through it first thing every morning. What a way to ruin the day. Unless the clothes happen to fit well, and then all bets are off. It is a great day! As someone who has never had an issue with her weight, this midlife malady is particularly hideous. Getting old happens to us all, but getting old gracefully isn’t easy. I’m strengthening my resolve to do it. I swear I am, every day! I have to, for the sake of not only my kids and my husband, but for myself.
So as I strive to gather graciousness and move out of the long mental slump this change has dragged me into, I am back to my blog. Change is hard, but negotiating it alone is even harder. I know I’m not the only one walking the road of change. Surely it will help if we can do it together.