What are you going to do? Are you going to have a party? What are you going to get her? What should we get her? What day are you celebrating?

I have been asked these (and other) questions repeatedly over the last month or so. They are all in reference to my daughter’s upcoming first birthday, in about three weeks.

 I would like to say that we may have a small party, that we will celebrate on her actual birthday, and that our apartment is overflowing with clothes she’ll never get a chance to wear and toys she doesn’t play with – but I don’t say any of that. My answer is always the same: I shrug my shoulders, try to think of a legitimate answer that will please the masses, and end up babbling something to the effect of, “I’m not really sure yet.”

And then I usually spend some time feeling like a really horrible mother. Should I have booked a venue and clown and ordered some exquisite sculpted cake? Should I have created an itemized gift wish list? Should I have already compiled a list of guests and mailed their invitations? Because I haven’t done any of these things, and chances are that I won’t.

Don’t get me wrong – I am so excited to celebrate my daughter’s first birthday. After all, my husband and I sing “Happy Birthday” to her monthly (okay, sometimes weekly too); it’s not like we are opposed to celebration.

I guess I just feel like buying into the first birthday hoopla puts us in line for what has become a standard of excess. Maybe I sound a little old-fashioned, but I didn’t have a catered sweet sixteen party with a deejay and my parents didn’t spend a thousand dollars on my prom (which, according to a recent NPR story, is the going rate). And forget about weddings: sometimes I feel as though wedding receptions today are just opportunities for couples to go as over-the-top as they possibly can.

I can already feel the pressure.

My problem is that I am unsure how to control the ceremony and show of it all, while still celebrating my baby’s birth and all that she has accomplished over the course of the year. I want to please extended family members and friends who are pushing for a party, of course. But I know what will likely happen. The birthday girl will miss her nap; she won’t eat well; she’ll become cranky and overtired and likely pass out without getting to play with any of her new toys or enjoy her cake.

Let’s face it: birthday parties at this age aren’t for the child – they are for the adults. I’m not being judgmental, but it’s the truth. How many people do you know who vividly remember their first birthday? I can recall a lot about my third birthday, and I consider that to be quite an achievement.

I plan to write my daughter a letter, sharing some of the special things we did on her first birthday, so she can read about it when she gets older. I will also sign her up for a scholarship fund offered through our state, and contribute to it.

For me, the best way to honor the day will be to keep it simple. I’d like to spend the day with my daughter and husband, sing her a birthday song, and maybe have her open a new toy or two. We will make a cake, and let the birthday girl make a mess while she eats it. Maybe we’ll even take her to the beach. Because the day is about her – and I want to do the things that make her happy.