Photos can be deceiving. In this week’s issue of Parade magazine, a reader wrote into the “Ask Marilyn” column, wondering why she doesn’t look like herself in pictures. Marilyn’s answer had to do with the fact that we are used to seeing a backwards image of ourselves – from looking in the mirror. But pictures, she points out, show us as others see us, and shakes our understanding of our own physical symmetry, and layout of features.

This article made me think about my own perception of myself vs. others’ perceptions of me. I usually think of myself as a calm, quiet, hardworking wife and mother who is a professional writer. I define myself in terms of my qualities and my roles. But when I think of friends and family I think of them as great people, comforting and loving people, people I want to be around. My view of them is much more associated with emotions and attachments.

When I launched my writing business this year, my best friend, who has known me for fifteen years, said something that stuck with me. “I admire you for taking risks to make things better,” she said. “You’re good at knowing when you’re not happy, and having the guts to make a change to try to be happy.”

I was floored. If anything, I’d thought of myself as kind of a scaredy-cat for having waited so long to finally take the plunge. I didn’t see myself as she saw me. But then I gave myself a second to think about what she said (being a smart lady who has known me for a long time, she cited other examples), and I allowed myself a pat on the back for being brave and fighting for my happiness. 

Too often our view of ourselves is critical. We see ourselves in terms of what we don’t do, rather than in terms of all that we accomplish. Think of your many roles: mother, spouse, professional, chef, problem-solver, bedtime story-reader, teacher, best friend, running partner…our lists go on and on, and change every day. Can we honestly expect to perform each task perfectly?

Think about your children. When they make mistakes how do you respond? Are you critical, and demand they do it over again until they get it right? Chances are, you cut them some slack, you help them out. Yet so few of us allow ourselves any leeway, and as for asking for help? Yeah right.

I used to view asking for help as a sign of weakness. It was okay for others to do – I always encouraged my students to ask each other, or me for assistance when they needed it – but I didn’t actually do it. It wasn’t that I thought I was perfect, or felt I had something to prove by “handling” everything; I don’t even know why I didn’t do it. But there came a point where the demands of life became too great to go it alone.

Superhuman as we may seem (and even feel) sometimes, we need to view ourselves as humans – a species that is inherently flawed. Just like looking at a photos of ourselves, we need to notice the bigger picture.

We can learn a lesson from seeing pictures of ourselves. Instead of focusing on “my hair looks horrible there” or “what was I thinking with that outfit?” we can remember where we were, what we were doing, and how we felt when the picture was taken. These are the things that will help us see ourselves as we truly are.