As any parent of a teenager can tell you, sometimes adolescence is harder the second time around: when your own child is going through it. The teenage years can still seem as challenging and confusing as ever. Lucky for us, there are steps parents can take to support their children during this time. In the guest post below, Growing Leaders founder Tim Elmore offers advice on creating a balanced environment for teenagers that allows them to develop maturity, responsibility and build skills to become leaders.

Creating a Balanced Environment to Help Children Lead Themselves and Others Well

By Tim Elmore, founder/president of Growing Leaders (www.GrowingLeaders.com)

At some point, teens begin to crave independence—they want to spread their wings and take on new responsibilities. These desires are signaling that our children are transitioning into adolescence, thus the need is born for parents to set appropriate standards for them, in a responsive environment.

As children mature at different paces, it’s important to gauge where they are in their maturity and proportionately distribute these three ingredients: autonomy, responsibility and information. Autonomy is the desire for self-sufficiency, which appears around 12-years-old; however, some get autonomy too soon and others don’t at all. To avoid postponing maturity, a balancing act is essential, such as giving your teen the car keys (autonomy) when he/she displays a level of accountability with smaller duties (responsibility). I discuss this more thoroughly in my recent post, here.

The third element in this equation is information. Timing of the messages kids are exposed to is crucial to ensure they become the best versions of themselves. Sociology professor Tony Campolo said, “I don’t think we live in a generation of bad kids, but a generation of kids who now too much too soon.” Wise adults distinguish what kids are ready for by observing how they respond to certain topics that arise.

Becoming Self-Leaders

Leadership runs 360 degrees as we influence those all around us, and most importantly—ourselves. The first lesson in leadership is learning how to think for ourselves, make decisions that are independent of others’ opinions and ultimately become self-leaders. We don’t always want our children to follow the crowd, but instead form their own identity and lead themselves. In order to do this, we must empower our children to think for themselves, be authentic and believe in growth and change.

Take peer pressure for example—just because “everyone else is doing it”, we want our children to know that its okay to live a life that is different from mainstream society. Once we teach our children to become self-leaders and lead themselves well, others will then be attracted to follow. As influence naturally ripples from strong character, it is important that we help our children build these essential qualities that will allow them to best lead others with a positive influence.

Tips to Help Children Positively Influence Others

I recently read a great book by Ed Keller and Jon Berry, The Influentials, in which conclusions are made about what qualifies an individual as an “influential.” According to nationwide Roper research, the following qualities indicate an influential person. If we can instill these traits in our children, they can leverage their influence to positively lead others.

• Defining what matters: Influentials don’t get lost in the mundane, but rather they sort through the clutter and determine what’s important. Help your children strive to determine what their top priorities are in order to follow through on the important items first.
• Being optimistic: Influential people are more optimistic than the average individual because they believe the future is bright. Instill hope in your children, and encourage the motto that their dreams must always be bigger than their failures.
• Being a good listener: Influentials list “good listening skills” as a high goal for themselves, especially those in leadership positions. Let them know that there is always more to learn in life, even if they think they know a lot, they must be teachable and listen to learn more.

This transitional time in our children’s lives can be difficult for both parties. One day you’ll be your child’s best friend and the next they are “too cool for school” and mom/dad. To help you navigate these waters, here’s a short piece of advice: Morning—be their coach, mealtime—their teacher and bedtime—their counselor.

Tim Elmore is founder and president of Growing Leaders (www.growingleaders.com), an international non-profit created to develop young leaders who can impact and transform society. He works with parents, teachers, coaches and mentors across the globe on how to create a balanced environment that enables children to lead themselves well and influence others in a positive way. Tim latest book isArtificial Maturity: Helping Kids Meet the Challenge of Becoming Authentic Adults.