How do you tell if your child is ready for certain responsibilities? When it comes to autonomy, it is often hard for parents to determine when to let their children attempt tasks like feeding themselves, dressing themselves, or staying home without a baby-sitter. We tend to look for benchmarks, such as intelligence, to gauge readiness – but this may not be the best indicator.

In the following guest post, Growing Leaders founder Tim Elmore provides insight on how to facilitate autonomy and develop responsibility in children. His ideas are a good starting point for parents looking to raise their kids to become capable young adults. 

Raising emotionally and intellectually capable young adults

By Tim Elmore, Founder, Growing Leaders

Because we love them and want the best for them, as parents we tend to see our kids through the lenses of rose-colored glasses. And unfortunately, we sometimes perceive them as being more mature than they actually are. But, for many of today’s kids a much more dire situation exists. Parents are confusing something else entirely with what they think is maturity—real maturity that comes from life experience, lessons learned and failure.

In my work with both parents and kids, the following are some of the most common (and most admirable) qualities that are masquerading maturity.

Masquerades of Maturity

Intelligence is often used as a yardstick of a child’s maturity, and as a result parents assume that if he makes honor roll, he must be ready for freedom. Then it backfires. Scientists have proven that the reward centers of the brain are not fully developed until an individual’s mid-twenties. Why many “intelligent” kids do immature things.

Because giftedness is present in one aspect of a child’s life—a sport, an instrument, algebra class—we quickly assume it pervades all areas of their life. We know better, yet it’s too easy to mistake exceptional talent and giftedness for seasoned experience. In reality, professional athletes and Hollywood starlets—for example—possess an unimaginable amount of talent, but that doesn’t stop them from getting caught in a scandal, going to jail, or getting mixed up with the wrong crowd. 

This one is sinister and sometimes the most devastating—we mistake influence for maturity. Any time a person can persuade others to do what they want, there is always the chance they can lead others astray. How many stories have we heard of older sibling tricking their younger siblings into doing something mom and dad weren’t too fond of? Young leaders can be persuasive enough to get others to follow, while still being terribly immature.

Tips to Provide Age-Appropriate Autonomy and Responsibility

Instead of gauging our children’s maturity level based on their admirable qualities, we must consider two very important factors in our quest to teach them authentic maturity: autonomy and responsibility.

Autonomy can best be described as the desire for self-sufficiency and independence. Different children develop this urge sooner than others, but typically the desire for autonomy is present around the age of twelve years old. Then there’s the compliment to autonomy—responsibility. The two must go hand in hand in an age-appropriate manner if we want to raise our children to become competent adults. This balancing act is difficult for parents to master, because it’s not easy.  But we must stick to our guns and let kids fully experience each step of autonomy and responsibility.

Age-appropriate autonomy includes responsibilities and privileges that parallel their age and capabilities. Here are actionable examples of ways to put the balancing act into practice with your children:

• Age 2-4: When your toddler helps put away his or her toys after finished playing with them (responsibility), help them learn to make decisions by letting him or her choose their next toy (autonomy) with your supervision.
• Age 5-7: When your child can get dressed with little to no parent assistance (responsibility), help them learn how to decipher situational judgments by informing them of the weather and allowing him or her the choice of clothing for the day (autonomy).
• Age 8-9: When your child can assist with creating grocery lists, putting groceries away, doing the dishes or other related chores (responsibility), help them learn how to prepare basic meals by allowing them to pack their own lunch for school (autonomy).
• Age 10-11: When your child expresses the commitment to do the required at home tasks and practice, help them learn how to be personally responsible for their progress and growth by letting them participate in extra curricular actives, such as piano lessons or sports (autonomy).
• Age 12-14: When your child performs well in school and has mastered basic math (responsibility), help them learn to count and manage money by starting a business venture, such as raking leaves for neighbors, babysitting or making a lemonade stand (autonomy).
• Age 15-16: When your children express interest in a particular career field or area of study (responsibility), help them learn how to establish a mentor-mentee relationship and find others to surround themselves with to encourage and coach them.
• Age 17-18: When and only when your teen has proven success in maintaining a car that they drive—gas, oil changes, car washes, etc.—help them learn financial responsibility by assisting them with purchasing their own car.

As children develop and mature at different rates and ages, it is important to be in-tune with where your child stands in their journey to authentic maturity. This way, you can gauge their progress and proportionately distribute age-appropriate autonomy and responsibility. Your children will set the pace, and as parents it is our job to help them follow through, grow and succeed on their journey toward a healthy and happy adult life.

Tim Elmore is founder and president of Growing Leaders (www.growingleaders.com), an international non-profit created to develop young leaders who can impact and transform society. He works with parents, teachers, coaches and mentors across the globe on how to create a balanced environment that enables children to lead themselves well and influence others in a positive way. Tim latest book is Artificial Maturity: Helping Kids Meet the Challenge of Becoming Authentic Adults.