Co-Dependency is not a new theory and much information can be found on the Web or in the library regarding this subject in just about any category. Romeo and Juliet were infamous for the fact they made their relationship more important than themselves.  When most of us think of co-dependent, they associate one partner having an issue with addiction whether that be to alcohol, drugs, gambling, overeating, etc.  Factor in low self esteem on the part of the partner who spends their life trying to "save" the addicted partner, then the relationship takes on a life of it's own and can be just as destructive to them if not more than the addiction itself.  Basically, one person in the relationship is putting forth maximum energy into saving the relationship or the other person at the cost of their own quality of life and in the meantime, losing their own identify and sense of self worth.

Surprisingly, the co-dependent partner finds a sense of reward in this relationship which is the key to it's continuing circle or downward spiral.  The partner who is out of control displays behavior that is out of control such as with drug addiction where they are missing work, spending down the financial reserves of the family, not engaged in the children's activities or their own family becomes neglected.  The co-dependent partner then swings into overdrive making excuses for the time they miss work, takes on another job to replace the missing money, makes excuses to the children for their lack of involvement and explaining to family why they are not present at get togethers or family events.  The co-dependent person then takes the full responsibility for the addicted partners behavior and becomes the victim and the one often blamed for their behavior as a result of putting themselves in this position.  They become the martyr.  How is it possible to achieve feelings of gratification from this relationship and the amount of energy both physical and emotional it takes to maintain this facade?  Sadly, the co-dependent is the one who takes "control" at their own expense, neglecting to take care of themselves.

How do I know this?  I am a co-dependent and I could clearly write a book describing the extremes to which I have gone to "save" the partner.  I am just now realizing the price I have paid by neglecting myself, the low self esteem I have developed as a result.  If that's not enough, I realize, in the end, that I cannot "save" the other person.

Instead of trying to be seen as the person who has it all together, the person who is smarter, well respected and in control, I should have been taking care of myself.  

Simply being in a relationship, even one that's not good for me, may have seemed better than to be alone, for myself, for my children.  Living this cycle of co-dependent made me feel, albeit unknowingly, I'm not good enough to be happy or to pursue what I want in life and therefore I have to put up with this.  These negative thoughts are probably fairly common and if you recognize these feelings you may be a co-dependent in one form or another on the spectrum.  If you're not sure ask yourself a few questions:

Is my relationship more important than I am?  We all have a degree of selflessness in love, BUT you should not destroy yourself to be in a relationship where there is love.

What price are you paying to be in this relationship?  Make a list of the reasons you are in this relationship.  It's important to identify what price you are paying to remain in an unhealthy relationship.

Are you the only one paying attention in this relationship?  It is never okay for one person to put forth all of the effort.  When there are children involved, it is NEVER okay for one person to do all of the parenting.  This is an important one, because in a co-dependent relationship when there are children involved, the co-dependent will go to extremes to care for the children and their well-being at their own expense and may even damage their relationship with the children in some ways.  For example, the co-dependent parent may end up working extreme hours to cover for missing finances and the children end up being slighted with time that should be dedicated to them. Children should not see one parent as the martyr.

In the end, you have to learn to be able to say (and this is not easy), I love you, but I have to take care of me now.