The mother/daughter relationship is so powerful and while often complicated, this relationship is truly one of the strongest and most beautiful bonds I’ve seen both professionally and personally.

A while ago, I wrote a post about mother/daughter relationships specifically in the area of dieting and weight loss and it’s time to bring it up again.

Over the last 21 years, I’ve been blessed to work with thousands of women, many who are moms. When they have daughters, the conversation of dieting, healthy nutrition, making sure their daughters eat healthy and live a healthy lifestyle is one that comes up often. I’ve also seen many moms pass along a “diet legacy” almost as a right of passage. I saw this so often in my business that I included a post below (see “Your Diet Legacy and Your Daughter”). Something I’d written a while ago that’s still relevant now.

Being a daughter and having 2 daughters of my own, I’ve seen first hand how the topic of body image, weight loss and more can be a sensitive topic. I clearly remember my own mom (who passed away 16 years ago) struggled with her weight and suffered from illness and disease. Without much access to nutrition information, she did her best to pass along whatever information she had access to so I’d be able to make different choices to prevent a similar outcome.

I’ve seen the frustration that comes from living in a body you’re not comfortable with. I’ve seen the habits and behaviors that lead to poor health and a low self esteem. Having 2 daughters and learning from so many incredible moms I’ve also learned how the greatest way to teach is not by being the “food police” the “judger”, one that critiques, criticizes and reprimands but to teach in the way that’s often the most difficult yet the most powerful…by example.

No one does anything until they’re ready and my oldest daughter simply wasn’t ready to make health a priority. Biting my tongue when she made unhealthy choices, offering to help without being “coach-y” or intrusive and taking a backseat were all really challenging-especially given my control freak tendencies :)

But, I took my own advice and decided to teach by example. If and when she was ready to make a change, of course I’d be there to help but until then, I’d do my best to keep my tips, strategies and solutions to myself (ok so I may have slipped a few times saying things like: “Do you have any idea that people schedule time with me daily to talk about this stuff?!)

Wondering if she was taking notice, one day it “clicked.” On her own terms, on her own time and because of her own desire to improve her health. What has it led to?

Sure the weight loss is significant but the greatest change I see in her as well as the others I’ve been blessed to work with is a sense of empowerment. That powerful feeling that comes from knowing that YOU control your own choices…and the outcomes those choices bring. The realization that comes from understanding that health is a choice and something to work towards (barring a few exceptions) with a fairly predictable outcome. The understanding that the choices you make create the results you have so if you want a different outcome, it starts with making a different choice.

So with that in mind here’s a gentle reminder to BE the role model whenever you can in whichever area you hope to inspire in others. I know it’s hard, especially with those we love most.

Your kids ARE watching, listening and learning…whether they let you know it or not.

Your Diet Legacy and Your Daughter
As moms, we often try to instill our beliefs and standards onto our children. Often, our goal is to ensure that our children learn from the benefit of our knowledge and experience so that they can create enriching, rewarding lives for themselves. So why is it then that one of the most significant messages moms often pass on to their daughters is the legacy of…dieting?

Every mom wants the best for her children; there is no question about that. But unfortunately, when a mom lives through the emotional and physical pain that her overweight body may cause, she unknowingly passes the “right to diet” on as though it were a “right of passage” into womanhood. Maybe the mom wants to prevent her daughter from suffering from a low self-esteem. Maybe the mom wants to ensure that her daughter is spared the harsh judgment from others as a result of excess weight. Finally, maybe the mom regrets not having the confidence to pursue a goal or dream and wants to make sure her daughter doesn’t pass up similar opportunities.

While these goals are driven by the desire to protect and fueled with the power of love, often the greatest message that comes across is that when the daughter is ready, she’ll learn to diet just like her mom. Of course it’s not intentional but this is the “diet legacy” a mom will often pass on to her daughter. So, if this isn’t our intention, how can we teach our daughters the benefits of health and wellness without teaching them how to “diet?”

The first thing we need to do is stop dieting ourselves. We need to recognize the example we’re setting and understand that if it’s not one that benefits our daughters or ourselves, it’s worth changing. By getting rid of our own “diet mentality” we’re taking the first step to setting a better example for our children.

We also need to understand that we are our children’s greatest role models. They watch, learn and copy our behaviors and actions. If we’re berating ourselves for the way we look, we can only expect that our daughters will learn to do the same. If we fear certain foods because of the feeling of powerlessness we feel when we eat them, we’re teaching our daughters to feel that fear as well. Finally, if we’ve spent decades battling an unhealthy relationship with food, we can easily pass along this same relationship on to our children if we’re not careful.

It may be time to change this way of thinking in order to finally give up dieting in exchange for lasting lifestyle changes and learn how to create a healthy relationship with food. As moms, we have so many wonderful ideas we want to pass along to our children. Dieting and the pain it causes doesn’t have to be one of them

By Debi Silber, MS, RD, WHC, FDN The Mojo Coach®