In a recent interview on ABC News, Amy Chua, otherwise known as the “Tiger Mom,’ matter of factly declared that no, she doesn’t hover over her eldest daughter who is now a freshman at Harvard (of course).  “My job is done,” she said.  If her concern for her daughter’s well-being (read: material success in life) were genuine and rooted in the deeply felt love known only among parents, rather than inspired by how well her children’s lives reflect on her as a person, her job would not be over.  A mother’s job is never over and anyone who went ‘home’ for the holidays knows this to be true.  Forty-five years old, married for 20 years, parent to two teenagers, thriving career and social life, we are always our parents’ children.

Suffice it to say that I disagree, though not vehemently, with the Tiger Mom’s child-rearing philosophy.  I understand where she’s coming from – we all want the best for our children.  It’s just that my philosophy is slightly different – I don’t want my children to be the best, just the best that they can be.  I’ve never been competitive. If it means so much to you to win, then go ahead.  I once asked my dear friend Gwen if she thinks that I compete with other women, and she graciously responded, “No, I think you compete with yourself.”  She was absolutely right, given that my ‘self’ has been crafted by years of low self-esteem molded by an uninspired childhood (a most gracious way to describe it, to be sure). As I learned in graduate school: one of the common characteristics of happy high achievers is low self-esteem. (I never did get the source of that interesting fact, but I believe it.)

Amy Chua is an educated woman with a respectable career as a Law professor at Yale.  Her parents must be proud.  In turn, she can be proud that she has met the societal and cultural expectations imposed by her upbringing.  The only problem is, such an upbringing and parenting philosophy negates the personhood of the child for the sake of a cultural-societal norm.  One only has to look as far as the new documentary, I Am, by former multi-millionaire director of box office comedies, Tom Shadyac, to learn that material success doesn’t bring happiness.  When will we learn? Now, I understand what it means to be driven, but I also understand that that Pollyanna-ish concept we call ‘happiness,’ is what makes our lives worthwhile.  Steve Jobs’ wealth couldn’t buy him health.  Bill Cosby’s wealth couldn’t shelter him for the murder of his only son.  Wealth does not buy happiness, no doubt about it.

When I first heard about the Tiger Mom, her philosophy and book, I was angry.  How could she, would she, deprive her children of their childhood joys and freedoms?  How dare she abuse her power as an adult? Now, my anger has turned into sympathy and sadness.  It makes me sad to know that there are still some people who prize material success over, if not at the expense of, happiness, as defined as using one’s gifts to fulfill one’s potential.  The Tiger Mom, and others like her, deprive children (otherwise known as “people”) of the opportunity to explore their intrinsic, natural talents, strengths, gifts.  What a shame.  What a loss, for all of us. Life is short, and childhood, even shorter.  What if we all were piano playing, A+ students who became lawyers and doctors?  Without saying as much, the Tiger Mom’s tome prescribes a superiority of sorts.  It’s nothing if not unenlightened (ironically, an Eastern concept).

 Agree or disagree, let’s share our ideas about child rearing and learn from each other.  If I’ve learned anything in my almost 13 years as a parent, it’s that there is no one, prescribed way to raise children.  Let’s treasure our individuality and that of our children, rather than trying to mold them into our own, jaded, biased, preconceived ideas of happiness, of success.  Clay should be molded; not children.  Let this be a challenge for the new year: take a step back from all your desires, hopes, and dreams for your children to discover who they are, what they want, where they excel.  Maybe we will learn to nourish their strengths and, if we are truly successful as parents, to share their contributions with the world.