For those of you who follow me on Facebook, you know that I occasionally throw out a "Dear Future Husband" post, in which I publicly identify obligations anyone who intends to put a modest ring on it will have to fulfill. Past posts have included such heavy burdens as: opening lids on jars, folding laundry, removing that nasty bag of stuff from chickens, and keeping the kids occupied for one hour each Saturday while Mama takes a nap.
Here's the truth: I don't know if I ever want to get married again for a lot of pretty serious reasons. For example:
*My closet is completely kick ass and organized just how I like it, and I don't feel like clearing space for polo shirts and shit.
*When my kids are at their dad’s, it's completely routine to sit around in my stretchy pants and watch Real Housewives reruns and have oatmeal or beer for dinner; I really don't want to take any grief from anyone about that or feel obligated to cook and be cute.
*As of now, if someone is pressuring me to hang out and I want to chill alone, all I have to do is say, "I have cramps-can you just come over and hold me?" and it's guaranteed I won't be bothered for a few days. It’s tough to establish “me” time when you share a home.
*I can spend my money however I want. For example, after a year in my new house, I still don't own a grill. I was going to buy one and then realized they cost as much as a pair of denim capris, 2 pairs of shorts, and 3 shirts from Express. Prioritizing a budget can be tough, but since my parents live 5 minutes away and my dad is the grill master, the choice was clear. I'm not sure a man would agree with such reasoning, but that's not an issue now, is it?
Now that I sound like a hopeless mess, I'm gonna go forward with this whole "future husband" idea, because let's face it, there are times in life when being alone can make you feel pathetic. For example, what if there were a Saturday night when the phone never rang and you resigned yourself to watching "The Vow" while eating cheese and crackers? This is purely hypothetical, of course. And I also definitely didn't watch the movie while sporting the new hair and makeup ideas I discovered after 4 hours on Pinterest. That would be soooo lame!
Also, and I know it sounds irrational, but as much as I love my independence, I'm really scared of dying alone. I don't want to be the 90 year old lady they find frozen in her house and surrounded by cats (Side note: I hate cats. Why would I suddenly own a bunch? Who knows, but these are the creepy thoughts that enter my head late at night). I don't want to be the person no one even realizes is gone until the grocery guy is like, "Hey, that old, yet still very hot, fashionable lady hasn't been in to buy her wine and cat food for weeks." NO! I want a man beside my bed, holding my hand, sobbing because I'm pure awesome and irreplaceable and he clearly understands the rest of his life is going to suck without me. It would also be kind of cool if we made the news because he died of a broken heart a few days later. Just kidding; of course I would hope he finds someone else and lives out his life in the best way he can. Ahem.
Even though I'm not husband hunting, I am happiest when I'm in a committed relationship with one person. Attempting to date multiple people at once is too stressful for me, but my luck with finding someone who thinks I'm the only one worth his time for an entire month has not been great, and that makes me wonder if I should even consider the possibility of ever finding someone to spend the rest of my life with. I get lots of comments from friends about wanting me to go out with someone they know who is just perfect for me. If you are one of those well-intentioned folks, please forward the following to potential dates. If any of it is an issue, please don't let him waste my time, and more importantly, a good outfit on meeting him. I have a DVR that’s 90% full and a box of Ritz crackers calling my name.
Dear Potential Future Husband,
Congratulations! You now have direct contact with one of the most amazing eligible bachelorettes in the world! Or at least in Warren County! Ok...I'm definitely the best my subdivision has to offer. Before we go any further, let's keep one thing in mind: greatness comes with a price. So that you aren't overwhelmed by your potential responsibilities, please let me share what I bring to the table:
1. I own my own home and pay all of my own bills. (Oddly enough, this seems to intimidate some men, so if you are also one of those men looking for a helpless lady, peace out)
2. I'm a great mom and my kids are amazing. Their dad is involved and I am not looking for someone to raise them.
3. I have the premium cable package.
4. I shave, wear deodorant, and shower daily. #trifecta
5. Because I respect your manhood, I will always allow you to pay for dinner, mow the yard, and fetch my beer. You're welcome.
6. I'm a great cook!
7. I am far from physically perfect, but I do take care of myself and stay in shape. Also, you will also never catch me in mom jeans, Crocs, puffy paint sweatshirts, or any Disney character clothing.
8. Not only am I ok with guys night out, I encourage it. It gives me time to be with my girls, too.
9. I can recite Sylvia Plath AND Lil Wayne
10. I've never been convicted of a crime.
11. Which reminds me...I've talked my way out of 6 speeding tickets in the past year. Rolling with me is basically money in the bank.
12. 34 D. This should probably be at the top of the list, and might have something to do with #11.
Ok, so clearly I'm a catch. If you meet the following criteria, we might be America's next Brangelina:
1.Take care of yourself. You don't need to be a god, but workout, please. Also, excess body hair is gross.
2. Please don't talk about yourself in third person. Please. I beg of you.
3. For the sake of keeping romance alive, there are certain things I should never see you do. The following should only happen behind closed doors: watching NASCAR and Fox News, using any DVDs from the BeachBody line, eating cottage cheese, and squatting to pick up something naked.
4. Any open praise of Sarah Palin or George Bush will not be tolerated. Nor will the phrase "Get er done" or the donning of jorts or socks with sandals.
5. I don't need anything special on Valentine's Day. Instead, bring home flowers on a random nights. Surprises are good, and you'll make my day.
6. I have to sleep on the side of the bed furthest from the door. This will ensure that if our home is broken into, you will get attacked first, allowing me time to get out of the house safely.
7. I'm sorry, but you can't have sex with other women. I know...harsh.
8. It's all about EFFORT! Talk to me every day. A text saying you're thinking about me goes a long way. So does asking how I am. So do gifts with tags that say Coach, Tiffanys, 7/Rock Revival/Miss Me (size 4, please), Jimmy Choo (7.5), and Gucci. I’m a simple girl.
9. Be a take charge guy. Yes, I'm independent. However, I want to be spoiled and taken care of, too. Plan our date nights. Make me feel special. I deserve it.
I look forward to our time together, Future Husband, but probably not as much as you are.