I love music

I love the way that a certain song can immediately take you to a point in your life.  In an instant, you’ll remember the place, the people, the feelings.   Beautiful music is also one of the few things that can move me to tears in a moment.   During the last month, we have gone from wondering if my daughter was sick, to a cancer diagnosis, to a lengthy and complicated surgery.  During that time , many songs have popped into my mind, starting with Sarah MacLachlan’s Hold On.  After the diagnosis, as I drove around swearing and crying,  I thought to myself - Hold On, hold on to yourself – this is gonna hurt like hell.  It did hurt like hell – more than anything I have ever experienced. 

As my daughter lay asleep the night after her 6.5 hour surgery, the song continued to flood my brain – Now you’re sleeping peaceful, I lie awake and pray, that you’ll be strong tomorrow and we’ll see another day and we will praise it. 

It wasn’t so long ago that I didn’t feel like praising anything.  I remember the day that we were waiting for the biopsy results.  I called my daughter’s youth minister and told him what was going on.  I told him that I was at the point that I felt like walking away, because I just didn’t understand how so many trials could be bestowed upon one family.   He listened while I cried, thanked me for not walking away and prayed with me, and for me…. to find the strength to support my daughter.  He showed up at the hospital before and after the surgery.  He brought my daughter a little stuffed lemur and told her that he had learned about their tenacity and ability to “hang on” and told her it made him think of her.  He told her she was going to be fine.  That experience makes me think of a beautiful song called The Prayer, which spoke to what I was feeling:  When we lose our way, lead us to a place, guide us with your grace, to a place where we’ll be safe.

A place where we’ll be safe.  Throughout the last month, I have been surrounded by safety from many unexpected sources.  You’ve heard the saying it takes a village – in this case, my village has expanded well beyond the two ladies that are here through thick and thin – my mom and mother in law.  My village has grown to include my colleagues, my community and my church.  From day one, they have been here to support us with the most amazing and random acts of kindness.  During the first week, not a day went by without a meal, a note, a package, or a call from my work family.   They were unwavering in their support.  Another friend had a pink satin super-hero cape made.  It came complete with cancer-fighting arm bands.  What better ensemble to help a girl kick cancer’s a**.  There have been cards and letters from friends, former Teachers, family and complete strangers.  One night, I picked up a load of letters from the post office.  We sat in the glow of the Christmas lights and read the most touching words of encouragement to my daughter including:  Don’t let this rock you – you rock it!  She received strength through words from near and far.  A stranger from Carolina Beach touched me with her wishes that my daughter soon be leaping high like the dolphins and swimming fast like the sea turtles.  She said that those wonders of the sea also face challenges, but the key is to just keep moving forward. 

Moving forward.   Last week before the surgery, I received a call from the mother of one of the boys in my daughter’s grade.  She told me that a group of moms wanted to help us and wouldn’t take no for an answer.   She said to tell her what we needed.  That night, I looked at my husband and told him that I didn’t even know if I knew how to receive help.  I didn’t know how to tell her what I needed.  I felt like a stranger in a strange land.   I’ll choose to believe that it was women’s intuition, because the next day she took the lead.  She told us that a group of moms were planning to bring dinners each night.  She told me to leave shopping lists if I needed anything.  She also told me that by the weekend, I was going to need a cocktail, she was having a group of women over for wine and chocolate and even if I could only come for a minute, she would not take no for an answer.  For the first time in more years that I care to admit, I got a bit of girl time.  I had a glass of wine.  I had a safe ride home.  I was home in time to share some of the chocolate with my husband and daughter, give my daughter her medicine, kiss her good night and tell her I love her. 

At that moment, I thought of yet another song.  Lean on Me.  Right now, I feel like those words were meant for me.  If there is a load you have to bear, that you can’t carry.  I’m right up the road,  I’ll share the load, if you just call me.   Tomorrow, I head back for my first full day in the office since my daughter’s surgery, I am so thankful for the kindness of my colleagues and community.  We couldn’t have carried the load without them.   My heart is full.