Let competence and hard work and doing what the teacher says be my ticket in. Let it be my island of safety too. - Tara Sophia Mohr

She slowly sinks back in her chair, shoulders slightly hunched forward arms crossed hugging her abdomen.  I don’t know when her body language shifted but when I look up the spark of energy and optimism has quickly changed to doubt.  

She was ready to get to work when she first walked in the door but by our first exercise she realizes that this is not the type of work she envisioned.  She wanted tasks to cross of her list.  She wanted a road map to success and sanity.

She did not come here to contemplate her value.  

She looks at me skeptically, what do I want from her?  Am I a charlatan just out to do feel good work and take her money?  

I know what she is thinking, “I don’t need to feel good, I just need to get things done.”

Who is she?

She is anyone of my clients when they first start working with me.  Their first assignment is to list 50 skills, accomplishments, resources or areas of expertise.

When I started to do this exercise with my clients, I just asked them to list their skills and areas of expertise.  It was so challenging that I eventually added accomplishments and resources.

I thought about this common reaction women have when asked to list their value as I read Tara Sophia Mohr’s blog post, The Scurrying Thing, asking why women have such a difficult time with criticism.  

In her post she is feeling her way through the topic and didn’t have as she said “a clear crisp way of articulating” what happens to women when they receive criticism.

It made me think of how much focus it takes for women to recognize and accept their value.  Many women have no sense of their true value and as a result criticism is crushing.  We don’t know how to measure the value of our expertise and the benefits of our unique skills.

What do we do instead?

We keep trying to earn approval.  We work hard to belong, to get the nod.  We don’t see a difference between our skill and the result.  We think we are the result, good or bad.

There is a crisis of value among women.

Seth Godin’s blog post, But I don’t want to do that, I want to do this, talks about the need to pick yourself.  Reading it leads me to believe that this crisis of value isn’t just among women.  It is just most notable in women because of our ability to instantly internalize criticism as a crack in our character.  

We believe criticism is a flaw exposed, even if it is a flaw we didn’t know we had.

Seth says that in this era you have to pick yourself, he believes his job would be easier if he was in the business of telling people how to get picked.  But here is his point. You might pay your dues, build your skills and work hard to get to the next level and then you wait and wait to get picked.  

Layer criticism on top of waiting and the weight is overwhelming.   

Layer a lack of value on top of waiting and criticism and we feel buried in inadequacy.

How do you take the risk to pick yourself?  You can only pick yourself when you see your value. Accepting your value makes picking yourself a safe bet. 

But instead of accepting our value, we try to earn it. 

It is like your kids trying to earn your love.  You love them no matter what. In fact, they feel most loved when you hug them despite their behavior.  You discipline your children to teach them not to make them lovable. 

Criticism is the same thing.  It is an observation, evaluation, or assessment of a result.  

It isn’t a value statement and doesn’t make us more or less valuable. 

Your value is not contingent upon your next performance review. 

What if we looked at our value - our skills, who we are, what makes us good - as if it were intrinsic to who we are?

We would begin to understand that we are where we are in our careers because our value is apparent.  

If we recognized that fact, we could concentrate on and even relish in what we do well. 

Your success is not by accident or purely hard work. Your success is due to your innate ability to bring results.

You don’t have to prove you earn your salary and, in truth, you are probably worth more than you currently earn.

Take a moment and list 10 skills, accomplishments, resources or areas of expertise everyday for five days.  Yep, write them out until you reach 50.

Need help keeping track?  Download this worksheet and keep a running list.

Once you get to 50, review them every week until you know them by heart.

Review them until you can receive criticism and see it for what it is and what it isn’t.