A couple of weeks ago, my daughter, Zoë, saw someone wearing cut-offs jeans.  I don’t know who or when but they caught her eye.  Later that day, she was talking to her dad and casually asked him about those types of shorts and what they are called.  My husband being the fashion expert told her that they were called cut-offs.

Later when she had a private moment with her grandmother, Zoë cozied up to her and told her that next time she wanted buy her something, she could buy Zoë a pair of cut-off jeans.  Well my mom went out the next day and tracked down those shorts.

When I uncovered her plan, I initially was horrified that she gently manipulated all of us.  My first impulse was to sit her down and give her a lecture and then I thought about my work. 

I had to admit, I was impressed.  

She knew all the key players to approach in order to get what she wanted.  She asked her father about the fashion, he is much more savvy about fashion than me.  And then she went directly to the source that was most likely to happily buy her anything she wanted.  Most importantly, she bypassed the person most likely to say no - me.

I am constantly telling my clients that they have to ask for what they want.  I suppose my daughter has been listening to me.  In the end, I chose to let her have that moment and even learn from her.  

She employed three simple but extraordinarily effective techniques to get what she wanted.  She knew how to ASK.  The next time you want to ask for what you want remember these three things.

A - Use Active Language 

My daughter was direct in asking for what she wanted from her father and my mother.  She wasn’t passively hoping that if she dropped a few hints, she would magically get a new pair of shorts.  She used active language to find out the name of the style of shorts and then she asked for them.  There was no beating around the bush hoping that someone would ask her what she wanted.

The lesson?  

When we ask for what we want many times we start the conversation with it would be nice if...

However, when you use active language to communicate, you are clear about what you want.  Active language is more direct and powerful and makes it more likely that you get what you want.  In my daughter’s case she ended up with two pair of cut-off jeans.

S - Be Specific

What I appreciated about Zoë’s approach is that she was pretty sure my mom didn’t know what cut-offs were.  In fact, before my mom went shopping she had to call a few stores to make sure they carried cut-offs.  My daughter knew that her grandmother might not know what to buy if Zoë just described them to her.  

Zoë went to the best source she had to find out the exact name of what she wanted.  She did research and asked specifically for cut-off jeans.  She didn’t say I want jean shorts.  By telling my mom she wanted cut-off jeans, she made it easy for my mom to give her what she wanted.  

The lesson?

Without specificity, when we finally work up the nerve to ask for what we want, we are likely to be disappointed with what we get.  An example is asking for a raise and only getting a modest increase increase.  If you want a raise, you need to tell your employer exactly what you expect.  Even if you don’t get the exact amount, you will get more than if you leave to it their discretion.

K - Know the Players

The best part of this story is that my daughter didn’t involve me at all because I was the mostly likely to say no. I would not have bought her a pair of cut-off jeans.

She even knew better than to ask her dad for cut-offs as he likely would have involved me in the discussion. She went to the person who could buy for her with impunity - her grandmother.  That was freaking genius.

The lesson?

Don’t waste your time asking people who either can’t or will not give you what you want.  Find out not only who is most likely to give you what you want but who is able to give it to you.

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One more thought.  

Another reason I didn’t say anything to my daughter about her master class in getting what she wanted is conditioning.  At some point, women learnt that it wasn’t ok to ask for what we wanted.

I felt like this could have been one of those points for my daughter. I want her to feel confident and powerful every time she wears those shorts. 

The next time your daughter asks for what she wants, think about what and why she is asking before you say no.  If it is unacceptable give her options or encourage her to come up with another idea.

Try to say more than no. And if you have to say no, make sure to acknowledge her gumption.