With all the things that we have to do in our daily lives, much of the time the things we want to do fall by the wayside.  It’s no surprise that our sexuality and sensuality make up the tail end of that old grey mare.  Is that what it’s come to?  Is there no time for nookie?

Remember the days when we had boundless energy, could walk six miles in heels, brush up our lipstick and head out for a night on the town?  Neither do I, but you know what I mean.  Pre-pregnancy, pre-deadlines, pre-laundry duty, pre-overly full plate and half-empty sexual drive later, we were absolutely, totally, different women. 

Most days all we have left for intimacy is a limp version of the overcooked spaghetti simmering on the back burner of our kitchen stove that probably needs a good cleaning.  And if you’re a single mom who still dreams of being ravaged by something other than a battery operated toy, it seems even that simple pleasure falls away when push comes to shove.

So what happened? 

As I’m currently hard at work on my semi-comedic memoir, I’ve been spending lots of time reviewing my former sexual encounters and the impact that my sex drive had on moving my life’s agenda forward.

What I’ve discovered is that once I felt I got “there” -- landed the bigger position, the next husband, the birth and the second birth -- I stopped or at least seriously slowed down all the elements that had previously driven my passion. 

For example, once I got married I all but stopped having as much sex.  Why?  Was I no longer attracted to my husband(s)?  Shouldn’t it be the opposite?  The deeper the connection, the better the sex, right?  It’s safe to say in my case I kept winding up with the wrong guys, with marriage being the ultimate lens through which I viewed my failure.

Is it possible that libido seems to be correlated to life choices and how I feel about myself after I’ve made one?   When I feel stagnant and uninspired I have less sex drive.  When I feel supported, encouraged and in my power, I want to pull out last year’s Sheena, Queen of the Jungle Halloween costume and let my inner tigress roar like the wild beast she is!

I think it works like this: if who you are supposed to be in the outer world doesn’t accurately reflect the joy of your own internal world, your tigress won’t come out and play. 

So it’s conceivable that not having as much sex as we’d like is less about not having time and more about a lack of connection to ourselves. 

Interest in sex might seriously be enhanced when we have real interest and excitement in our own pursuits.  So as we talk about sex the obvious questions arise:  Are you happy?  Are you feeling fulfilled?  Are you passionate about your work in the world? 

I’m not suggesting if the answer is “no” to any of these questions that you call it a day, give it all up, and run off to live a sex commune lifestyle like the brooding Bavarian “it-girl” Uschi Obermaier, but I am suggesting you need to check in with yourself and be brutally honest. 

Have you done anything today that sets apart what you must do with those things that make you happy doing it? 

Sex is always a secondary benefit to your being turned on by YOUR passion and playfulness.  And to be truly spiritually sexy you need to be playful and passionate about who you are and how you’re living your life.

So, what do you do to ignite your fire? 

I identiy one thing that I had on a previous affirmation list, that I’ve already accomplished.  Then I light candles, burn incense and write a new list that includes a next step.  This helps me when I’m feeling stuck and reminds me that despite whatever level of obligation and burden I feel, I am still making myself a priority in that specific moment and moving my personal agenda forward . . . even incrementally. 

That’s empowering and that is a turn on . . . now if I can just remember where I put the old Halloween costumes . . . 

[Photo credit: recoveryhelpnow.com]