I love my friends. I want my friends to love me back. So how do I know when to ditch ‘em?

The very idea of finding out if someone loves you back was tested by my first boyfriend. I had grown up in a very sheltered environment and I had my first boyfriend when I went to college. He was very devoted to me and our relationship. He came to see me at our campus residence, he would take me to movies and sometimes he would surprise me by walking me back from class. He knew my schedule inside out. Not in that creepy kind of stalker way but rather that I am really in love and want to spend time with you kind of way. In return, I really thought nothing of it. I didn’t know his schedule, I didn’t surprise him by meeting him when he was leaving his classroom and would have never dreamt of visiting his apartment. To me this was perfectly normal.

Looking back on it, it was a completely one sided relationship. He was doing all the loving and the “work” that goes with that, and I was casually enjoying it and taking his love for granted, as a given.

So one day he did not show up. It registered that he hadn’t shown up but besides a fleeting minute, I thought nothing more of it. The next day, again, he didn’t show up. This time I was definitely concerned. In our entire relationship he had never gone 2 days in a row without calling or coming to visit. I started asking around if anyone had seen him and checked in with the front desk regularly to see if I might have missed his call. I did not have a good night’s sleep. The next day, immediately following my classes I went to his campus. Luckily I knew which building he spent most of his days at and was heading in that direction when I saw him walking towards me. When he saw me his face lit up. Initially I was angry asking him why he got me so worried and he burst out laughing and said he was so happy I had noticed and cared enough to come find him!

That lesson stuck with me. I have never “tested” a friendship but sometimes one doesn’t have to. We have moved several times since I relocated to the US and at each place I have made new friends. Some of them are what I would consider to best friends. In a way, every time I moved, these friendships were tested. For instance 2 years ago I moved from St. Louis to Atlanta. I travelled 4 times to go visit friends in St. Louis even though I have no family there. What about some of my friends? Nothing. This is especially surprising given Facebook and all the many means of communication available to us.

So let’s say I’m just odd, needy, in that sort of needing to stay in touch sort of way. But that’s my whole point. If for me to feel loved, valued and cared for, I expect a note, call or Facebook comment every now and then, then that’s what I need. Some people are happy to have people they call friends speak to them every three years, I am not one of them. One of my highest values is connectedness, so this all makes perfect sense.

Just because I have it all worked out in my head, doesn’t mean the letting go of friends is any less painful. In fact transitioning any relationship with someone you really care for is extremely painful but I must go back to that saying about watering dead plants. Don’t. Waste not the time and energy on relationships that do not feed you and give you what you need. Focus on the many great ones that do. So why do I even spend a minute thinking about these previous friends? Why not just go on about my business?  Because my dislike for loose ends won’t let me forget without doing something to move on.  “Doing something” for some people could be making a call or writing a letter, for me, writing this blog is enough.

Transition Coach Fez

www.coach2accomplish.com

Coaching Powerful Women to Transition with Purspose