Testing True Desire

What it is:  The time everyone plans to leave the house together heading out for something fun.  

Why it’s important:  Shared goals unify families, whether it's to leave on time or to experience something together.  By recognizing your kids as contributors, you show them respect and trust:

Respect that your son knows what he needs and can prepare himself.

Trust that your daughter knows what she wants and will choose wisely.

The Problem:  Sometimes kids (even parents) struggle with on time departure when they don’t really want to go.  Personal desire gets misinterpreted for feelings of obligation to family or friends.  If your son says he wants to meet friends at the community teen center but isn't ready on time, does he really want to go to the teen center? 

Parent intervention seems supportive, but what if NOT going was really the best choice for your child after all?

The Tip

Missing the Bus

Experiment with a different kind of support; support for your child’s true desires.

Step 1:  Opportunity.  Choose an opportunity with fewest complications. 

Good Choice:  Going to a friend’s house, an informal family outing, etc. 

 Not-So-Good:  Going to school or the doctor. 

Step 2:  Collaborate

Set the departure time with your kids. Show them how to work backward from an on-time arrival objective.     

Step 3:  Departure Lounge

Be clear that everyone meets in the car when it’s time to go.

Step 4:  Questions? 

Just ask for questions.  If none, assume she’s all set and let her know you won’t be disrespecting her with nagging reminders.

Step 5:  ZIP YOUR LIPS!

Oh it is SO hard to keep quiet when the clock is ticking and he’s not moving.  You'll be tempted to 'help' with reminders, but that's not really helping, is it?  Allow him to experience his true desire and be proud of him even if he doesn’t make the bus.

Step 6:  Drive away.  In the event she doesn’t meet you in the car on time, drive away.  Yes, leave her home (unsupervised if she’s old enough.)  Call from the car -- hands free please – letting her know you left as planned.  This way she won’t worry.

Drive Away Dos and Don’ts

Do tell her you left on time

Don't criticize

Do tell her when you'll be home

Don't linger on the phone

Do make sure she has adequate supervision

Step 7:  Debrief for awareness.  When you get home, or even the next day, talk about your experiment and help him understand the outcome.  Link real-world lessons about schedules and other people's expectations of punctuality.  Help him frame the whole thing in the context of uncovering the power of true desire. 

Your intention with this debrief is to help your child learn about himself--period. 

Debrief Dos and Don’ts

Do link personal desire to actions.  We always do what we want (not always what we say we want.)

Don't remind him about the past.  Reference to past frustrations hints of martyrdom and you probably won't hear what you want from him anyway.

Do invite him to express his frustration and anger fully and respectfully.

Don't feel responsible for his embarrassment with friends or missed opportunity regret.

Remember two important things:

1. He would have been ready if it had been a priority.
2. Perhaps it was better he missed the event after all.

Do congratulate yourself! It isn’t easy supporting kids like this, but you did it!  Yay!

 Benefits

Small Consequences:  Learning curves apply to everything, including time management and true desires.  Best to make mistakes now when the worst your kids will experience is embarrassment or a missed party.

Awareness:  With only her true desires to motivate her actions, she becomes aware of her true desires.

Peace:  No more nagging!  He’s either in the car or not, either way you both win!

Influence:  Delegating responsibility to your child is outward recognition of her personal growth.  Such a compliment!  She will listen and watch for more.

Promise Kept:  We promise to teach our kids to choose wisely.  Since the wisest choices are based on personal desire, it’s vital we help them learn what it is they truly desire.  Stepping back grants the freedom to choose and makes good on the promise.

Related Articles:  Consistency in Boundaries,

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