Mulligan

Rewind and Try Again

What it is:  Golf slang for a do-over.  It's rewinding to the point at which things went south.

Why it's Important:  It takes time to change old habits.  Communicating with powerful influence vs. forceful control means you'll need a graceful way start over when old habits sneak in.

The Problem:  The critical moment at which things veered off course can be difficult to acknowledge because it's you, yes you the parent, that took the left turn. 

Yes, you ARE entitled to know what she's doing!

Darn Right!

Remember though: Ego gets in the way.  As she gets older, disclosure becomes less something you can "take" by right. 

The Tip

Emotions Help Identify the Critical Moment

Step 1:  Find Triggers

That certain "look" on her face, or the edge in his voice.  What ever gets your back up is probably the point at which you veered left.

 Step 2:  Mulligan!

As soon as you recognize the need to restart the conversation, ask for a Mulligan!

"Wow, things are getting out of control.  Let's both stop and try this again."

Step 3:  Preface Answers 

Rewind to the ego trigger and try prefacing your response differently.

Your power to deny a request makes him vulnerable and defensive.  Quiet his fear by acknowledging your willingness to consider his request favorably. 

A few that work for me:

• Probably
• Sounds like fun
• Well, let's see how we can make it work

Benefits!

Communication!  The currency of social capital and influence!  You'll actually connect once you push the reset.

Respect  It's hard to respect someone with your ego in the way.

Protection  Disclosure is necessary to support and protect your kids.  Even though they become increasingly independent (YAY!) they still need your watchful eye.

Influence  Acknowledging your willingness to step back from your ego sends a powerful message of trustworthiness. 

Promise Kept  We promise to teach our kids how to love and be loved.  Demonstrating a willingness to be vulnerable and suspend your ego, makes good on that promise. 

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Related Tip of the Week: After School Debrief, Portion Control