Nice

Nice is all about you and the choices you make with other people but, beyond that, the definition gets murky. Is it agreeability and including others, as in being nice, or is it following social codes of conduct, as in being polite?

It’s nice to be nice to the nice

It’s safe to say that most people think that being nice is a virtue, something we should strive to be at all times. Nah, I don’t think niceness is a virtue.

Its labeling people in absolute terms, i.e., you’re either nice or not nice. I think black-and-white thinking limits possibilities.
Ascribing “being-nice” as virtuous fails to consider motive or agenda. Is it a virtue to be nice to someone if your motives aren’t nice?

Not nice

Perhaps a look at the opposite of nice will help clear this up. What would you do in these situations and would your actions be considered nice?

You’re trying to lose weight and someone gives you a piece of homemade fudge. Is it nice to eat your friend’s fudge even though you know it will derail your diet?

- You’ve perfected your fudge recipe and want to share it with everyone. Do you offer it to a friend who is trying to lose weight?
- Is it nice to offer your friend the fudge and derail her progress?

If nice is about you and the choices you make with others, perhaps we are simply confused by the definition of roles: your role and the other person’s role. Ah, now we’re on to something, who decides what is nice?

Parental Niceness on a cold Monday morning

Consider this scenario: Monday morning 6:00 AM – time to get the kids up for school.

Awe, she looks so cute sleeping. A little angel all snuggled up and peaceful. Awe. You bend down and kiss a warm cheek saying softly, “Time to rise and shine sweetie.” You get a little snort/snore—cute—and your daughter rolls over saying, “I’m so tired and the room’s so chilly.” You sympathize because a few minutes earlier you thought the same thing. So, now what do you do? What is the nice thing?

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

According to your daughter, it would be so nice of you to tuck the blank in around her and fluff her pillow as you let her linger in bed until she is fully rested and the room is warmer. Nice is strictly determined by a short-view of her personal gain without considering the consequences.

Your idea of nice may initially seem the same; you’d probably love to give her a little blanket tuck. However, your short-view of nice has been tempered by your experience. You know that there are definite consequences to the short-view of nice: rushed start to the day, late to school, missed breakfast, forgotten lunch or assignment, and grouchiness are natural consequences that have created your long-view of niceness.

The (Nice) Price is Right

Remember Bob Barker and the Price is Right game show? Behind closed doors awaited a room full of stuff; some doors lead to great stuff and some doors didn’t. The contestant had to make a choice and hope for the best. Let’s play –

Door # 1: Short-View Niceness -- You let her sleep in

Don’t choose this door, because what’s waiting is very expensive.

Cost to you

Guilt, your daughter will blame you for everything that goes wrong during the day—everything!
Unappreciated, she’ll forget you were nice enough to let her sleep in
Broken Parenting Promise, you taught her little about responsibility.

Cost to your daughter

Missed opportunities, a stressed mind can’t be creative and judgment is questionable.
Lingering anger, everything that goes wrong that day will recall her angry morning
Victimhood, blaming you for her horrible day teaches her victimhood

Door #1 is Lose/Lose

Door # 2: Long-View Niceness - You make her get up

Don’t choose this one either because it’s another Lose/Lose deal.

Costs to you and your daughter are very similar to door #1. No matter how nice you are about it, making a sleepy kid get out of a cozy bed to go to school won’t make you popular. “You’re so mean!” (“I know, I’m sorry, but it’s not my fault you have to go to school.”) Your daughter will still start her day poorly only instead of rushing and blaming she’ll be stomping and blaming. It’s pretty much the same except she might eat breakfast and remember her homework.

Cost to you

Guilt, your daughter will blame you for having to get up and go to school
Unappreciated, zero credit for being nice enough to get her out of bed on time
Broken Parenting Promise, you taught her little about responsibility.

Cost to your daughter

Missed opportunities, anger and payback take the place of openness and learning
Loss of faith, questions about how much you really care about her happiness
Helplessness, feelings of powerlessness – have to vs. want to

Door #2 is Lose/Lose

The skinned knee

You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Sure, you could just let her be late—the whole skinned-knee thing. If you’re in control of it, though, it’s not really a different option, and it’ll be very hard for you to consistently watch your daughter skin her knee. Sometimes you’ll feel sorry for her and step in, “just to be nice.” Any inconsistency and you’ll end up paying the price of both doors at the same time. Nope, it’s not going to be a different option unless you frame it completely differently—stop being nice altogether.

Door #3 – Short- and Long-View Niceness – She gets up on time

Who said you had to be “nice” at all? If “nice” is in the eye of the beholder, so to speak, then the beholder is responsible for niceness. Door #3 is about stepping out of the nice business and into the influencing business. Do your part by creating the environment in which your daughter gets to experiment being nice to herself. Give her the support she needs, offer what you know from experience, teach her a skill, and help her develop strategies. Allow her enough room to make mistakes and then—celebrate everything! Yep, celebrate both the late take-off and on-time departure because they are the same thing: results in the experimentation of how—how to be the nicest to herself. You’ll have an easier time being consistent, too because you’re playing a completely different game now. You’re not watching her skin her knee so much as you’re watching her teach herself how NOT to skin her knee.

Door #3 is Win/Win

Its win/win and everyone gets paid! Your daughter isn’t mad at anyone even when she’s late because she was empowered and supported. She may be grumpy and stressed but that’s a far cry from blaming you and feeling like a victim. She also collects empowerment credit because she knows her results are her own and that you have faith in her and that you’re proud of her for having the courage to try.

You get paid because you’re guaranteed a celebration. You celebrate her process of learning how to be nice to herself. You feel great, not guilty, and you’re given credit for all the support you’ve given her.

Bonus Credit: Influence vs. Niceness

When you stop trying to be nice, you become a powerful source of influence and position yourself well to help her experiment with other forms of self-niceness:

Body Self-Niceness – Learning how to be nice to your body by understanding that your health and vitality directly influence your level of happiness and possibilities for success. Without sustainable energy to think, create, dream, and experiment, you’ll only have a small slice of an otherwise huge pie. Body self-niceness includes choices about food, alcohol, drugs, etc.

Identity Self-Niceness – Learning how to stay true to yourself, your values, and your sense of who you really are. Identity self-niceness includes remaining recognizable regardless of the circumstances.

Future Self-Niceness – Learning how to be nice to your goals and dreams. Future self-niceness includes choices about the way in which you spend your time and the people who influence you so that you end up where you want to be. I love this one the most because the future adults my sons become will surely pass all this power on to my grandchildren.

So, you see, being nice really is all about you and your choices but not in quite the way you might have thought before. Now, ask yourself this question: How will you be nice today?

Related Tip of the Week: Not Nice, Articulate,