A stepmom asks:

We are having quite a lot of trouble with the biological mom.  My husband has been divorced for 5 years and we have been together for 3 years.  I have an 18 year old and 14 year old.  He has an 11, 7 and 5 year old.  His ex is remarried and also has a child with her current husband.    We are in a constant battle with his ex and trying to build relationships with his children

His ex-wife  began referring to her husband as"Daddy" (well before she was even pregnant) and their dad by his first name The children have been coached (at the orders of the judge) to start calling their father "dad" again and step-dad by his first name. This only happens when they are in our presence, when they are with their mother they still refer to their father by name and call step-father daddy. When we are at activities that include the presence of ANY family member on the mother’s side we are completely ignored by the children and act as if we are nonexistent, even going as far as hiding from us, avoiding us and not speaking to us when spoken to. If we are the responsible party for taking them to a joint event we have no contact or interaction with them until the event is over and they are in our vehicle and we are driving away. Exchanges have gone back and forth with being at the mother’s home to the sheriff’s station. We currently exchange at sheriff’s station. There is a lot of stress and guilt when leaving mother. Our relationship with the children outside of the their mother’s presence has really developed into a family unit. We see two completely different personalities from all three of them in the presence of their mother.  

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

This behavior from the biological mom is very disheartening, dysfunctional and confusing to the kids.  As they get older, the kids will begin to figure out the correct behavior, but they are a little young now- and probably very confused.  I'm encouraged to hear that you have developed a good blended family when their biological mom is not present.  I bet the children are much happier and less confused, when they are with their Dad and you.  Here are some ideas to help:

Don’t engage in the battle- It’s best to take the higher ground.  Do not speak negatively about their mother in front of the kids.  If you have to say anything, you can say that “Although we disagree with your mother, we know that she loves you.  We love you and want what’s best for you.”  (That way you aren’t lying, but also not agreeing with the biological mother’s behavior.)

Train and teach your stepchildren- they didn’t come with an instruction manual on how to handle divorce and remarriage.  Explain to them that you can enjoy spending time with Mom and with Dad- it’s not a competition.  “You can also love your stepdad and also your stepmom- and that doesn’t compete with your love for your biological parent.  Tell them that every child only gets one real Mom and one real Dad- and that, although divorce is very sad, we are going to work through this and be positive about the future.  Because your Mom and Dad have remarried, you get bonus parents- step parents.  These people aren’t your real Mom or Dad, but they are people who care about you, love you and will help raise you.

The more you talk about it (calmly and in a non-formal way- maybe while driving in the car, or working on a project together) the easier it will become for the kids to talk about it, and know it’s O.K. to discuss it with you and their Dad.

You can even comment on their Mother asking them to ignore Dad at school events.  Here’s a possible statement, “I know your Mom tells you to ignore us when we are all at school together.  We still love you.  Just know that we are smiling and watching you.  If you want to sneak a peak at us- we’ll blow you a kiss.  If not, then don’t worry- you’ll be with us again soon.”  Explain to your kids that, “Sometimes when Mommy’s and Daddy’s remarry- the kids become jealous and wonder if they are still loved- and they are still loved.  There is enough love for everyone.  Adults even get jealous too.  Don’t worry- you have enough love for your Mom, Dad and your step parents- we know it, and we love you.

What you are doing is reassuring them that you love them, you are aware of the weird behavior (don’t use those words in front of them) and that you are going to be the constant, normal set of parents in their lives. 

I hope this helps.  Here's a summary:

• Do what's right- be positive
• Be the constant and normal parents in your kids(stepkids) lives
• Keep telling them that you know all these changes are tough, but you are here for them and love them
• Help them understand things by talking about the divorce and remarriage

Good luck to you and your family.

Shirley Cress Dudley, blended and step family coach