I hesitate to admit this, considering the countless women struggling to conceive. Believe me, I know. For years, I endured infertility and all that went along with it: the tests, injections, failures, hormonal roller coaster rides, and, ultimately, tears of joy when the doctor called with the words I so longed to hear, “You’re pregnant.” On top of that, our IVF cycle produced another healthy embryo now frozen in storage. Though the odds of pregnancy are low considering my history, age, and the fact that it’s only one embryo, you’d think I’d be thrilled. So how come I’m not?

Don’t get me wrong. Having another baby elicits feelings of excitement as I think about the beauty of nurturing another miracle. However, I hesitate. I dread. And I struggle with these feelings.
I can’t help thinking perhaps my husband and I should count our blessings and leave it at that – at the bright, funny toddler who never ceases to amaze us.  
I can’t help seeing the “what ifs” flashing in my head:

• What if the second pregnancy doesn’t go as well as the first?
• What if my age has a negative impact on the baby’s health and development?
• What if I get an even more severe case of post-partum depression?

I dread the sleep deprivation, countless bottle cleanings, and endless crying jags. I look at my son with relief, knowing life is getting easier. If we have another baby, “easy” will be out of the question as we restructure our home or move to a higher-priced one to accommodate a larger family, my quest to embark on a freelance career takes a backseat, and my husband’s migration from stay-at-home dad to the workforce halts.

Yet, what nerve do I have to waver on having a simple procedure – much less taxing than an entire IVF cycle, considering we already have an embryo?  How can I deny my son from having a potential sibling?

I know there are others who struggle with this decision, like me. But we know what to do. We know ourselves. We know what’s best for our families. Going with the gut is often best.  Perhaps my future family will include four and I’ll beam with pride, because I’ll love another baby just as much as I love my first. But if my family remains as is, that’s OK, too -- three’s a charm, after all