Why does guilt rear its ugly head in so many different ways?  A few weeks ago, I went along to a field trip to the fire station with my daughter's preschool class.  While I enjoyed seeing her in her element, I felt a couple of different kinds of guilt: 1. Missing work; 2. Missing work for a field trip I felt was rather boring (for me and the kids); 3. Maggie simply running back to her room without any tears or "please stay mommy's -- which is what I want, don't I?

Lately, however, there are new ones I'm not sure I expected: guilt about trying to bring another member to our family.  I have such a fun relationship with Maggie.  She is gaining independence every day.  What will a new baby do to that?  As she would be almost 5 at the time of another birth, how will she react?  Will she be jealous? Helpful? Resentful?  Will it push her to a level of independece that she's not ready for?  Or will it push her into a level that she is ready for, but that I have been reluctant to push her to, in order to keep her as my "baby" a little longer?  Maggie loves children and I think she will be a great big sister.  She talks, in the abstract, about wanting a baby brother AND sister, which we try to tell her is a difficult order to place (and I'm hoping this isn't a sign of what to expect from another pregnancy).

I'm also feeling guilty about trying to "replace" the baby we lost.  The mixed emotions of a new pregnancy draw forward the raw emotions of the loss.  The excitement of what could be.  The dread of what could be.  The knowledge of what could have been.  A pregnancy that should have been drawing to a close is to be replaced with a do-over, a mulligan.  My heart aches for what I cannot have, yet feels some rejoicing for what will be.

I know there are no good answers and guilt is such a hard emotion to quantify that it can take more than just "stop feeling guilty" to erracticate it.  I'm not sure what the answer is, but it does my heart good to know I'm not the only one out there.