The top three things most couples fight about? Money, children and who’s not doing his or her share of work around the house. If that last one is a perennial hassle in your home, take this quiz. Then read on to move closer to a 50-50 split.
Read each task and, if it applies, decide who usually completes the chore on a regular basis. At the end, add up your points versus your partner’s to see who’s pulling more weight around the house.
Tossing the two-week-old takeout from the refrigerator. 1 point
Scooping up scattered toys. 2 point
Washing the funk out of a sippy cup you found in the backseat. 5 points
Scouring splattered tomatoes sauce off the stove. 2 points
Walking the dog. 1 point
Walking the dog in the snow. 5 points
Handling the grocery shopping. 7 points
Cooking dinner—a homemade meal. 7 points
Cooking dinner—heating, ordering or microwaving. 2 points
Planning parties—everything from superhero-themed birthdays to backyard BBQs. 13 points
Arranging, and rearranging, child care. 5 points
Assembling the back yard jungle gym. 20 points
Vacuuming. 2 points
Scrubbing the toilet. 5 points
Doing the laundry. 7 points
Mowing the lawn. 2 points
Weeding, 5 points
Taking out the garbage. 1 point
Bathing the kids. 2 points (more than two kids, 3 points)
Supervising the bedtime routine. 5 points
Waking up with the kids at 6:00 a.m. on Saturday. 5 points
Waking up with the kids at 6:00 a.m. on Sunday. 5 points
Coaching your kid’s team. 20 points
Policing homework time. 5 points
Cleaning the gutters. 7 points
Now tally your points. Are things a little (or a lot) disproportionate? Curious about how you stack up statistically? The average wife does 31 hours of housework a week while the average husband does 14.* That’s a ratio of about 2 to 1.
Which is not to say that inequity is something working moms should learn to live with. “These days, when both husband and wife work for pay in the labor force, there’s no reason why the division of labor need not be 50/50,” says Francine M. Deutsch, PhD, a psychology professor at Mount Holyoke College in Massachusetts and the author of Halving It All: How Equally Shared Parenting Works. “But we’re still influenced by old-fashioned rules.” If you’re committed to hoisting your household into the twenty-first century, follow Dr. Deutsch’s advice for dividing the work without dividing the family.
Instead of: Deciding who does what by determining what each is good at…
Try: Dividing the chores based on the time they take. Anyone can get good at something with practice. So don’t let him slide if he says: “But you’re so good with the laundry” or “But the kids want you to put them to bed.”
Instead of: Splitting the chores along traditional gender lines…
Try: Assuming that nothing is automatic and that everything is up for discussion. Just because he’s always taken out the garbage doesn’t mean that chore should simply fall to him.
Instead of: Screaming at him when he ignores the kids’ chants for more juice…
Try: Waiting until you’re calm. Holding a discussion when one of you is irritated will usually escalate into an unproductive fight.
Instead of: Blaming your husband for NEVER helping with the kids…
Try: Explaining that by pitching in with child care, he stands to be the biggest beneficiary. Say: “Your life could really be different if you have the type of relationship with your child that moms tend to.” Then share one of the precious moments you’ve had with your child recently.
Instead of: Assigning him a job and then telling him how you want it done…
Try: Giving him a say in how things get done. Don’t micromanage him; let him take some control.
Instead of: Letting resentment build when one of you is slacking on the to-do list…
Try: Scheduling a monthly parenting date. Let a caregiver or neighbor watch the kids and sit down with your partner to talk about why something isn’t getting done. Did schedules shift? Was someone sick? Is the old plan not working because the kids have different needs? Reassign based on your new needs and circumstances.
* Source: University of Wisconsin’s National Survey of Families and Households
