How do teachers get 30 kids to behave when you struggle with just one? We asked star educators to share discipline challenges—from tantrums and back talk to hitting and rule breaking—and how they handle them, so you have more in your tool kit than threats and bribery.

If you’ve ever sat in on great teachers’ classrooms, you’ve no doubt seen something wondrous occur: students expressing themselves, creating and learning; no raised voices or threats of punishment needed. How do these educators do it? With age-appropriate rules and reasons that the children understand. Plus, they discuss the consequences of failing to follow the rules in advance and reward good behavior. Welcome to positive disciplining. Here, three impressive teachers share how they handle preschool, elementary and middle school kids’ stickiest behavior challenges, with strategies that can work with your kids at home.

Preschoolers
Lisa Drogon • Lead Preschool Teacher,
South Mountain YMCA Child Care Center • Maplewood, NJ

When you walk into Lisa Drogon’s preschool class, you’re struck by the vibrant artwork on the walls, the music playing and the many activities enjoyed by 25 little people wandering in and out of “learning centers.” The next thing you notice: an absence of meltdowns, tussling over toys and name-calling. These kids are well behaved and engaged in their projects— practicing letters, drawing, building. It’s no small feat, because the driving force behind preschoolers is their own egos, says “Miss Lisa” (as the kids call her), an early-childhood educator with 14 years of kid-wrangling experience.

“Children at this age think the world revolves around them, which can make it tough for them to get along with peers and adults,” she explains. “But they also want to please everyone.” Her formula for success: structure, praise and TLC.

Power plays
As part of their push to establish independence and assert control, preschoolers love to say no. As in “No, I don’t want to share the truck. I had it first.” Or “No, I won’t eat that broccoli. It smells.”

Teacher tactic: Preset consequences
Drogon’s students enjoy computer time and often won’t stop when they should. So they get a warning when it’s almost time to stop. If they don’t finish when their turn ends, they lose five minutes of outside playtime. This consequence, discussed with the kids in advance, is nonnegotiable. “The more information kids have about the plan for the day, the less they try to change the rules,” says Drogon. That’s because most little kids actually crave structure and routine, which make them feel safe and, ironically, in control.

Working-mom plan: Focus on the “shoulds”
Let your preschooler know what he should be doing rather than what he shouldn’t. “Please use your walking feet” is more productive than “I told you to stop running!” Explain the rule’s reason simply and set consequences in advance: “We walk in the house instead of run so we don’t get hurt. If you don’t use walking feet, we’ll have to take a time-out.”

Temper tantrums
Disappointment isn’t easy for anyone to handle, but it’s particularly challenging for preschoolers. Throwing themselves on the floor and screaming sometimes seems like the only way to express their unhappiness and get your attention.

Teacher tactic: Anticipate and redirect
“When you can predict a tantrum, you’re better prepared to redirect the child,” says Drogon. For example, if a child has trouble saying goodbye at drop-off, Drogon will steer her toward a favorite activity as her mom leaves. Another tantrum trigger is a change in routine. If bad weather forces outdoor play into the gym, the kids are told ahead of time, Drogon says. “We give them as much information as we can so they can prepare for changes, ask questions and feel more in control.”

Working-mom plan: Get ready for change
Avoid meltdowns by anticipating your child’s “tantrum mode” and prepping in advance for changes in routine. Simply repeat for a few days or weeks in advance, “Mommy’s new job is farther away than her old job, so we’ll have to leave earlier in the morning.” When the time comes, she’ll know what to expect and be less likely to panic.

Hitting
Preschoolers are often at a loss when other kids misbehave. They can’t give kids who break the rules a time-out, much less punish them. Add this to an immature ability to self-regulate, and you may get a kid who hits to express frustrations.

Teacher tactic: Reiterate the rules
“We always address the victim first,” says Drogon, mainly to make sure he’s not hurt, but also to show the perpetrator that the person who got hurt gets the attention. Preschoolers are attention seekers, so if you focus on the hitter (even in the form of yelling or punishing), she learns that hitting gets her noticed. “Once it’s clear the victim is okay, we ask
the hitter if she knows the classroom rules, which include ‘Keep your hands on your own body,’” says Drogon. Her kids know the rules very well because they helped devise them. The hitter is then asked to come up with a consequence for breaking the rule and will often think of an appropriate one, like going to sit with a book and, of course, apologizing to the victim.

Working-mom plan: Encourage new solutions
Discuss alternatives to hitting with your kids. If one sibling hits another, offer your attention to the victim. When things have calmed down, ask the hitter what happened and how he could have handled it better. The more conversations you have about problem-solving, the better equipped kids will be to express themselves in other ways besides hitting.

Grade Schoolers
Marissa Ochoa • Third-grade Teacher,
Valley Elementary School • Poway, CA

When kids reach elementary school, they’re bombarded with outside influences, many of them negative. “They’re increasingly affected by technology,” including TV and video games, says Marissa Ochoa, who’s been teaching for ten years and is the winner of the Milken Educator Award for outstanding teachers. Luckily, they’re outgrowing their egocentric phase and better able to develop empathy. If a child can put himself in another person’s place, it’s easier for him to learn the impact of misbehaving and why it needs to stop, says Ochoa, who is also a national teacher advisor on classroom technology for Scholastic, the children’s media giant.

Potty mouth
Kids who curse or use pejorative language might be blindly repeating things they’ve heard—on the street, in the schoolyard, even at home—without knowing the meaning.

Teacher tactic: Set expectations
Educators need to make it clear to kids that certain words they’re saying aren’t appropriate for school. Once they know the language that’s not allowed, the consequences usually involve an apology. “We explain to them that they’re role models for the younger children in school so that they understand they need to be on their best behavior,” says Ochoa. If the cursing doesn’t stop, the students often get a time-out or lose privileges. “If they don’t know how to speak appropriately to their classmates, they can’t be around them.”

Working-mom plan: Keep an eye on influences
It’s easy for parents to slip, so be careful about the language you’re using around your child. You’ll also want to monitor media influences. While it’s tough to eliminate certain music or TV shows completely, watching or listening together will give you an opportunity to explain that even though the kids on South Park speak this way, we don’t. Set rules for your own home, model them and be consistent about consequences, and soon you’ll have a clean-talking kid.

Disorganization
Leaving books at home, forgetting supplies and not doing homework are typical of grade schoolers. Often these issues stem from a lack of organization know-how rather than purposeful defiance.

Teacher tactic: Provide skills
“We remind the kids that they’re working toward a big goal—going to college,” says Ochoa, who teaches children from low-income families and works to increase parents’ involvement in their kids’ education through the Latino Family Literacy program. “Being organized is a lifelong skill they’ll need to reach that goal.” Ochoa has her students make checklists and cross off each item after they put it into their backpacks to make sure all books and supplies are taken home. This begins a healthy habit to take into the upper grades. And the kids are rewarded for their positive behavior: For each day a student brings completed homework to school, she gets to shoot a basket at the end of the week. She gets one day free of homework for each basket she makes. It’s fun—with a cool payoff.

Working-mom plan: Try to-do lists Have your child make a checklist of what
she needs to bring to school and cross off each item as it gets packed the night before. When she succeeds, say, two weeks in a row, reward her consistency with a pretty new folder or a sparkly marking pen.

Bullying
This absolutely unacceptable behavior can range from physical aggression and verbal attacks to excluding certain children from activities.

Teacher tactic: Tap into empathy
The fact that kids understand empathy at this age is a key to derailing these behaviors, suggests Ochoa. Explaining that a classmate is hurt, offended or upset as a result of the child’s actions can help that child understand why it’s so important to stop. “We also role-play to help them deal with problems in a positive way,” she adds.

Working-mom plan: Tie it to social privileges
“We tell parents to encourage their kids to earn the right to be around other children in afterschool activities or sports,” says Ochoa. If they can’t treat others kindly, they lose this right. Rather than focus on these consequences as punishment, discuss how your child can earn back privileges by treating his classmates with respect. If it’s not logistically possible to suspend afternoon activities, prohibit sleepovers or weekend get-togethers with friends and ask your child to gain them back with better behavior.

Middle Schoolers
Ron Clark • Founder and Math Teacher,
Ron Clark Academy • Atlanta, GA

Middle schoolers are dealing with changing bodies, raging hormones and the transition into adulthood, says Ron Clark, a 15-year teacher who started his eponymous school in 2007 and is the author of The Essential 55. They want the freedoms older kids enjoy but can still act childishly, which makes adults hesitant to offer extra privileges. “They’re also fearless and love to try new experiences,” he says. Rewarding good behavior with a sleepover or concert tickets can be just as effective as punishing bad behavior, adds Clark, a recipient of Disney’s American Teacher of the Year award whose early teaching years in New York City’s Harlem were the subject of the 2006 TV film The Ron Clark Story, starring Matthew Perry.

Talking back
As kids figure out how to establish independence and appear mature, they sometimes end up being disrespectful. They also may try to impress friends and make themselves feel powerful by being cocky with teachers and other adults.

Teacher tactic: Stop the back-and-forth
“You don’t want to go on and on with a kid in a heated moment, because he’ll just want the last word,” says Clark. Once, when a student was being extra sassy, Clark asked him, “Are you being smart with me?” The student’s response was “Maybe.” Clark stopped there and waited for a calmer moment the next day to ask the child why he spoke disrespectfully. The student admitted he felt bad about it, was embarrassed and didn’t know how to handle the situation. Clark accepted his apology and reiterated that talking back is never a way to get respect or be seen in a positive light.

Working-mom plan: Wait for a calm moment
The wrong time to fight a back-talk battle is when a child is in a defiant mood. Catch your child another time when he’s calmer and happier to discuss the right way to speak to an adult to be heard, understood and respected.

Rule breaking
Whether it’s texting during class or Facebooking before homework is finished, a tween might try to test your limits (and your patience) to see what she can get away with.

Teacher tactic: Be clear—up front
During orientation, Clark explains to students the rules he and his staff expect them to follow, everything from how to answer a question and always saying “thank you” to how to walk in hallways. Expectations are made clear from day one.

Working-mom plan: Give tools with the rules
Be super specific about what’s expected. What’s his next step if he’s failing a class? What should he do if he won’t be home by curfew? How should he respond if someone offers him drugs or alcohol? Discuss possible ways to handle common as well as tough scenarios, and he’ll have the tools to tackle them.

Puberty urges
Adolescents can be moody and argumentative, and their budding desire to date and express themselves sexually can be tricky for adults. While this may not cause daily behavior issues, discussing sex now will help prevent serious problems like emotional distress, STDs and teen pregnancy later.

Teacher tactic: Offer sex ed
“It’s important to have a good sex-education program in middle schools,” says Clark. The earlier children are taught age-appropriate information about sex and relationships, the easier it is to discuss such things with them later on.

Working-mom plan: Have the talk early
School sex ed isn’t enough. Parents also must discuss sex with their kids early on. You don’t want your child’s main messages to come from peers and media. Be clear about your family’s values and the physical and emotional consequences of unprotected and casual sex. Let your child know you won’t judge when he comes to you with concerns. If you build the foundation for open discussion, he’ll feel freer to bring up sexual topics as he gets older and needs guidance.

Bedtime Battles

A behavior issue teachers probably can’t help you with: getting your child to sleep at a reasonable hour. For all ages, consistency of time and technique is key. Try these age-by-age tips from Jenn Berman, Psyd, author of The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy, Confident Kids.

Ages 2 to 5
Little kids often fight bedtime because they’re afraid to be separated from you. An evening routine, which may include a bath, brushing teeth, a bedtime story and a kiss good night, can help. “if your toddler is really struggling, you might try leaving the room and returning at short intervals,” says dr. Berman.

Ages 6 to 10 School-age children are distracted from sleep by the computer or television. Dr. Berman recommends reducing weekday screen time. A good compromise is allowing books in bed with a night-light. “The choice to read gives kids a feeling of power,” she says.

Ages 11 and up
Many tweens and teens don’t get enough sleep. instead, they’re updating Facebook pages, texting friends and finishing homework. “Parents should set clear rules that make schoolwork a priority,” says Dr. Berman. if necessary, have your child leave her cell phone with you so she can concentrate on assignments. even at this age, a consistent lights-out time can help.

Taming the Big 4
While every child is unique, there are some discipline problems that plague most families. Dr. Jenn Berman offers positive tactics for managing the most common behavior bumps.

1 Back talk
Let your mouthy kid know the effect talking back will have instead of criticizing him or his behavior. For example, “When you talk to me that way, it makes me not want to help you.” For an older child, you might say, “You seem really upset. i want to hear what you have to say, but i think we both need to calm down first.” Be sure you’re modeling respectful behavior. Also monitor your child’s TV shows, because it’s possible he’s learning back talk from SpongeBob.

2 Sibling fights
It will take time to ease this one, says dr. Berman, but the goal is to get siblings to work out the warring on their own. Walk young kids through it, she advises. If your kids are fighting over use of the same toy, have them devise a plan for sharing it. You can supervise the discussion and intervene when necessary, but the more practice they have solving their own problems, the better.

3 Tantrums
This is a challenge for kids who are old enough to know what they want but not yet verbal enough to convey it. So their frustration can lead to meltdowns. “It’s crucial for parents to help their children learn words to express themselves,” says Dr. Berman. You might say, “It seems like you really want that doll, but it’s stuck at the bottom of the toy chest. That’s frustrating! Do you want me to help you get it?” Also be careful not to set up a meltdown by, for instance, hauling your kid to try on shoes when she’s missed her nap or is hungry.

4 Chore wars
Explain why the task needs to be done: “Your toys need to be picked up so we don’t trip on them and get hurt.” If your child still refuses, the consequence should be linked to the crime, says Dr. Berman. If her things stay on the floor, they get taken away. Monetary rewards should be given only for extra responsibilities, like helping to clean out the closet.