Cat Cora dishes on raising four boys, being on the road 200 days a year, meeting her idol Julia Child and coming out to her parents.

You’re the first—and so far, the only—female Iron Chef on Food Network’s Iron Chef America. Why hasn’t another woman been selected to join you? There are certainly many talented female chefs, and there have been female challengers who’ve been good competitors. Part of it is that it’s tough. Cooking is one thing, but performing while you’re cooking, being under pressure, having a time limit and being on camera are another.

What’s the toughest part of the competition? Getting mentally prepared and accomplishing a win in the show’s time frame. I make sure I get plenty of rest. Being physically fit is a big part of being a great Iron Chef—it sets you apart. I focus. I make sure I have a great team because it takes a special type of sous chef to be able to do all that’s required. I’ve had to let go of some because it was more than he or she could handle. It’s one thing to be really busy in a restaurant on a Saturday night, but this is a whole different beast.

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Tell us about your motto: Go big or go home. It means go for it, be confident. Even if you don’t feel confident—you still want to look like you are. When I went on Iron Chef, I knew I’d go all out. Then if I didn’t win, at least people would say, “She brought everything. She went big.” I believe you have to take risks in life. Be brave.

What’s a risk you’ve taken? It was difficult to decide what to do after college. But I believe there’s a plan for everyone. I believe God—or a higher power—has a plan. When I was trying to figure out what to do, I tried to open a restaurant in my hometown, Jackson, MS. I was writing business plans, trying to get investors, but it never happened. I tried as hard as I could. Then my mom planted the idea of going to culinary school, and soon after that I met Julia Child; then the doors opened.

How did you first meet Julia Child? It was in Mississippi at a book signing when I was about 21. I waited at the end of the line for her to finish with everyone else because I wanted time to talk to her. She spent 45 minutes with me. We discussed where I’d go to culinary school, and she suggested the Culinary School of America. I applied the next day.

So she helped you figure out what you wanted to do with your life? That’s true. Plus, I always had a bucket list of what I wanted to do. At the top was go to college. I got a degree in exercise physiology and biology from the University of Southern Mississippi. I graduated with honors, won awards. College taught me to be articulate, helped me be well read and shaped me as a businesswoman. Studying wellness plays into my platform today, which is healthy cooking.

What was culinary school like? Women were just starting to go, so there were only about six of us in a class of 60. There were still some old-school professors who gave us trouble. I’d speak up and stand up for myself. I got that from my mom. The more discouraging the comments, the more I wanted to show them. It was like when I was growing up and my two brothers would say I couldn’t do something, it made me want to do it even more. It made me work harder.

What comments did you hear? I was told I should be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, things like that. If you let yourself feel inspired rather than discouraged when you hear comments like that, it can be a very powerful motivator. Instead of making me insecure or shrink against a challenge, it made me step it up even more.

Did you let Julia Child know when you graduated from culinary school? I did. When I graduated two and a half years later, she invited me to her home. I got to spend a whole day with her while she filmed the Master Chefs television series. What advice did she give you? She said that the professional cooking world is a man’s world, but that shouldn’t stop me. She believed in being the best at what you do. She told me to go for my dreams.

Who taught you about cooking? My whole family really. My mom had three kids and worked; she did it all. She’d make Greek cookies, roll grape leaves, make phyllo dough. My mom was an Air Force brat—her dad was a brigadier general—so she’d lived all over and prepared very eclectic dishes. We’d have lasagna, sweet-and-sour pork, beef stroganoff. My dad was phenomenal at grilling meat. My grandfather and godfather owned a restaurant. They rounded me out really well.

What was dinnertime like? Mom made sure all of the kids had a chore, and she’d rotate them. One day it was help with salad—another it was set the table or load the dishwasher. We all got to cook, too.

How was it having a working mom? The pros were that it built character in us. We’d get home from school and be on our own. The other side was that we didn’t have the Leave It to Beaver mom who was waiting for us and baking cookies. Mom more than made up for it on the weekends. Back then, we didn’t have babysitters and nannies. And when my mom did bake cookies, they were from scratch. And she was an incredible budgeter with groceries. I look back at what she did and wish we had it so together today. Plus, she was a great nurse. She went on to get her PhD. She also worked on the side making house calls. But she did that to give back. If someone insisted on paying her, she’d donate the money.

As a working mom with four kids, do you ever feel working-mom guilt? I felt that way intensely with our first and second children. They don’t always want me to go away, but they understand it. I explain in a kid-friendly way that I’m traveling so we can pay for our house and toys and so they can go to camp. I communicate with them, but I still have guilt. I try to focus on the positive, like the fact that I’m setting an example of being out there, following your dreams, being a good citizen. I know in my heart I’m doing the right thing for our family. And I know that I am where I am today because of the role model my mom was.

You had an interesting arrangement where both you and your partner, Jennifer, took turns getting pregnant and were implanted with each other’s embryos. We had a common sperm donor for all the kids, and we both did in-vitro fertilization. So I got my eggs harvested once—it was four years ago and I was 39—and so did Jennifer. Then the doctor implanted Jennifer and me with each other’s eggs. So she gave birth to Caje, but he’s my biological child. I carried Nash, but he’s Jennifer’s biological child. Jennifer carried Thatcher, but we don’t know which one of us is his biological mother because there was one of my embryos and one of Jennifer’s. We may find out medically one day. After the kids were born, as a same-sex couple, we had to go back and legally adopt them. Even though Nash was her biological son, Jennifer had to adopt him. Same with me and Caje. There were lots of papers to file and lots of legal expenses. Hopefully someday same-sex couples won’t have to go through all of that.

You and Jennifer wound up pregnant at the same time—you with Nash and Jennifer with Thatcher. When Jennifer got pregnant for a third time [with Thatcher], I was happy but it was also hard because it was supposed to be me. I really wanted to be pregnant. But it was a challenging time in my career. I was so busy traveling I just didn’t have the time to go to the doctor, get the injections. I couldn’t do it. She didn’t want to wait, and she got pregnant quickly. After she did, we decided I shouldn’t wait because we knew we wanted to have four kids. It would be easier to raise two young babies together, almost as twins. Jennifer could breastfeed for me when I was on the road.

What was IVF like for you? Going through the shots and the shifting hormones was hard. Since I was traveling, I was getting shots in hotels, in airline bathrooms. The hardest part was the anxiety of wondering, Am I going to get pregnant? When I did, the first three days of the pregnancy were euphoric. This little embryo was growing. Then I lost the baby. I cried for a week.  It was devastating, traumatizing.  You have to start over from scratch. I honestly think it’s a good thing I got pregnant on the second try.

Were you able to take time off after you gave birth to Nash? As the sole breadwinner, I knew I had to go back out and support us. That was excruciating. I was breastfeeding and loving that deep, deep connection. I worked from home in Santa Barbara for a few weeks but was back on the road about four weeks after Nash was born. If men were the ones to give birth, maternity leave would be a lot longer. And the population would be a lot smaller.

How did you and Jennifer meet? We met 11 years ago skiing in Lake Tahoe. It was on my birthday. We knew instantly. I never believed in that, but I knew right away that we were kindred spirits. We spent the next seven months together. We didn’t spend a day apart. She was working as a nanny at the time and had to go to Europe to travel with a family. When she got back about a month later, we moved in together. We had a ceremony in Napa about two years after we met.

At what point in your life did you self-identify as gay? I remember as a child of 4 or 5 having crushes on babysitters. Of course, a little girl can have crushes, and that doesn’t mean she’s gay. I didn’t know what it meant. But it’s who I was, just like when you have brown hair or blue eyes.

When did you come out? To be normal, I dated boys. All through high school and college I dated boys, but by then I knew I was gay. I had a girlfriend in high school while I was dating a guy. I couldn’t tell anybody. My first love. My first kiss. And I couldn’t tell my mom. It was a lonely place. I came out to my parents when I was 19. I had a date with a girl, and it didn’t work out. And I think something clicked. I was tired of hiding my pain or my happiness. At first, I told my mother that I thought I was gay, even though I knew I was gay. She asked, “You think or you know?” And I told her that I knew. My parents had always told us that it was okay to be different, that they’d always love us. They were open-minded. But it was hard for them. That was in the ’80s at the height of the AIDS epidemic. Then they talked to people. They accepted it.

Your parents were together for more than 40 years. What did you learn from them? You have to be united in your decisions. It’s okay to fight in front of the kids, but you must fight fair. And it’s important to make up and say you love each other. You don’t want to go to bed angry. My parents hugged us a lot and were always telling us how much they loved us. There was lots of affection. They also had guidelines and rules. Parents don’t need to be your best friends; they need to be parents. Jennifer and I always try to better ourselves by reading and talking to teachers and friends. We’re always trying to do a better job.

You have so many projects: You’ve written three cookbooks; you’re the executive chef of Bon Appétit; you have a restaurant at Disney World. When does your workday end? I’m kind of always working. I do a lot of work when the kids are asleep and while they’re in school. My work rotates around the kids. If they run into my home office and need something, I put my work down. When I’m home, I wrap up by five o’clock.

What’s your morning routine like? Jennifer and I tag-team well, and when I’m home, it’s 50-50. I’m up at 5:45 with the babies. Jennifer feeds them while I make breakfast for the older kids. I help get the kids ready for school. We all hang out and have fun so we start the day right with some laughs. Jennifer will take Zoran and Caje to school while I put the babies down for a nap.

How often do you travel? With so much work in so many places, I was on the road 200 days last year and probably will be again this year. Each year I try to tighten it up. But I’m about to open a restaurant in the San Francisco airport. I have lots of things launching this year. Most of the time I travel alone because taking the family would be too disruptive for them.

Do you have any daily routines you stick to no matter what? I exercise every day.

Tell me about Chefs for Humanity. We’re an alliance of culinary professionals and educators working to provide hunger relief all over the world. We were just in Haiti. We were also involved in relief efforts after Hurricane Katrina.

Your best advice for working moms? Remember that you’re setting a great example for your kids. It can seem like you never have enough time for your family and friends—and you always have guilt—but we’re all in it together. And our kids are better off for it. Make sure you take at least 20 minutes to be with your family at dinner. It’s a sacred time.

What’s your favorite family activity? Living in Santa Barbara, we love to get on cruisers and hang out all day on the beach.

Who cooks dinner for your family most nights? I cook dinner most nights when I’m home. I enjoy being in the kitchen. Last night I made gray fish tacos. Jennifer’s a great cook, and when she has more time, she makes a great fennel chicken on the grill.

Tell us about your latest cookbook. My third cookbook just came out in June [Cat Cora’s Classics with a Twist: Fresh Takes on Favorite Dishes]. I take popular dishes like tuna casserole, beef stroganoff, fish sticks and chicken curry and tell you how to make them faster, fresher and lighter.

Any picky eaters among your kids? We have our moments. Sometimes one will say, “This is yucky,” even though he hasn’t even tasted it. Or they’ll say, “Tonight it’s yucky,” about something they usually love. But overall they eat a lot of different types of foods. I started giving them salmon when they were young. They’ll eat pork tenderloin, edamame, broccoli and chicken. They could eat hamburgers every single night and be happy, but we mix it up. We’ll have taco night with turkey meat. Pizza night and a movie. They do get dessert every night because we believe in yummy kid things. I encourage them to keep tasting and trying new things, and I’m not a short-order cook who makes different things for each one. We buy all organic meat with no hormones and lots of organic produce. But I always tell people that if they don’t have the budget to buy organic, just worry about the important things. Don’t worry if your onions aren’t organic. Focus on organic protein. Buy hormone-free, cage-free chicken and eggs.

I guess you need to stay in shape when raising four boys. Sometimes they’re all running around the house and it’s chaotic, so we have to reel them back in. We love the boys—they’re so funny and awesome—but they get crazy sometimes, so we send them outside to play in the backyard. The most important thing is keeping them stimulated. Our older son is doing karate, soccer and skateboarding on the weekend. They have a lot of energy to burn. With four kids, we say we were going for a kitchen staff or a rock band.