Your son isn’t one to sit still and focus. You worry, because experts suggest that both of these abilities are essential for school success. The girls in his class mostly sit better, and so do better, than the boys. It doesn’t seem just—and maybe it’s not, suggests Anthony Rao, PhD, coauthor of The Way of Boys: Raising Boys in a Challenging and Complex World. Boys are hardwired for motion and often have active and aggressive traits, which aren’t necessarily a bad thing, says Dr. Rao. But these tendencies can lead to acting out and stress, which in turn can lead to misassumptions. “Boys are being labeled and diagnosed with all sorts of psychiatric problems, and that’s just plain wrong,” he asserts. While diagnoses of attention and learning disorders are often accurate and warrant treatment, he feels that the numbers are too high, that part of what’s being treated is the wide spectrum of normal boy development: “We need to stop thinking of boyhood as an illness.

Boys and girls are different, and they need to be parented differently.” Dr. Rao suggests coping with these behaviors by creating structure for your child while also providing opportunities to explore and play. A child who likes to break apart toys to see how they work could be a scientist one day. A kid who needs to jump up from his chair and run around may emerge as an athlete and a leader. “If your child has intense energy, if he daydreams, if he’s pushy, all these traits can be channeled into something positive,” says Dr. Rao. “You’ll most likely see that these special struggles lead to special skills.”

Parenting young men

To help your son through the growing pains of development, Dr. Anthony Rao suggests:

Head outdoors. Boys who get vigorous exercise and fresh air show far fewer problems with hyperactivity and are better able to concentrate and focus.

Talk less. Try not to lecture or engage in back-and-forth verbal battles. Instead, use actions—which he’ll understand better than words—like taking away his Xbox if he’s not behaving well.

Be direct. Establish clear rewards and consequences for behavior. And enlist your older boy’s help by asking what you both can do to make things better.