When a friend next door constantly serves up delectable desserts to your child, it can be hard to say “thanks” for babysitting but “no thanks” to the trans fats.

Q: My neighbor watches my daughter a few hours three days a week. But when I pick her up, she always has cookie crumbs on her face. Can I say something? It’s hard when she’s really helping me.

Naturally, it depends on the neighbor. If she doesn’t have children of her own, sending along a healthy afterschool snack with your daughter could relieve her of the obligation to have “kid-friendly” treats around. She may not have given it any thought at all—just tossed a box of Oreos into her shopping cart because she thought Maddy would like them. But if your neighbor has a child of her own, who, upon your arrival, is also wiping the deleterious substance from her face, you have a more delicate issue. Another mother may not take kindly to a lecture (or even a dropped hint) about proper child nutrition.

If you want to let your neighbor know that you don’t want to spoil your daughter’s dinner, act like it’s your problem. “I’m sorry,” you could say. “I’m just so uptight about these things. Would you mind—I know it’s a pain—just telling her that we’re going to have dinner right when we get home?” You could still pack a healthier, lighter snack as an option. Then be sure to talk to your daughter about it—“I told Mrs. Lowry that we’re not going to have snacks there anymore”—just so your child isn’t blindsided when the dark delicious cookies with the soft and creamy middle don’t appear.

Of course, another mom might also have a sense of humor about it. In which case you could try (with a laugh, of course), “Are you trying to slam shut Maddy’s arteries? Every time I come here there’s another chocolate treat sliding down her throat!”

Or not.

Q: I just realized that my son’s piano recital is the same day as our monthly budget meeting at work. Am I justified in asking to go to the recital, or should I not push it in this economy?

Some of this can be avoided by being more organized. You could go to your boss and say early in the year that, while you know there are always unanticipated meetings, you’d like to know any important dates or deadlines coming up. Then get your son’s school schedule, talk to his piano teacher (and any other tutors, teachers or coaches he has) and ask for a list of dates and events. You’ll feel like you’re more in control of your schedule, and fewer things will spring up on you. And you can give all involved parties an early heads-up if there are any conflicts.

In terms of being justified in asking if you can go to the recital, it’s really not about whether you have the right to ask. It’s more about whether you feel you have the right to go. If you do, then approach it as a done deal, and ask if you can do anything to compensate—conference-call in for part of it, get notes, prepare reports in advance. If you’re unsure where you should be, don’t put your boss in the position of making that decision. If she says yes, you’re let off the hook. If she says no, she’s the villain. Take responsibility for your choice. And if you have to ask your son to understand, well, who knows? This once, he might think Grandma or Uncle Bob is good enough.

Sally Schultheiss, a freelance writer who specializes in life and family issues, lives in Los Angeles with her husband and children eddie, 6, and Jane, 4.