Working-mom guilt can be hard to shake, but knowing that you’re not alone, and taking some cues from those guilt-free men, can actually help you find peace of mind.

After an endless conference call, Michelle Dubanowski hopped in the car to pick up her preschooler, Michael, from his half-day morning session. As she approached the Sleepy Hollow, IL, school, her heart lurched at the sight of a crowd of moms and dads milling around. What were they all doing there hanging out and socializing? Then it hit her: She’d just missed her son’s graduation ceremony. Spotting Michael’s teacher, Michelle sheepishly made the excuse that she hadn’t been able to leave work. The truth was too embarrassing. With a 3-month-old baby at home and a full plate at the office, Michelle had completely forgotten. Three years later, the guilt of that memory still haunts her.

All working moms have guilt war stories. We cringe when we remember the time we blanked on a basketball game, faked our way through a meeting after staying up all night with a sick infant or slid behind our desk as unobtrusively as possible after arriving late to work—again—because we couldn’t help locate the lost homework assignment. Sure, the dictionary defines guilt as a feeling of remorse for an offense, whether real or imagined. But working mothers know it’s so much more pervasive than that: It’s how we feel far too often when we’re caught in too many “damned if we do and damned if we don’t” scenarios. It can feel inescapable. Much as we hate it, though, guilt is what keeps us human, says Dana Dorfman, PhD, a psychologist in New York City. “After all, a person without guilt is a sociopath,” she says. “But the danger is that an overdose of guilt can be a complete waste of time and energy, especially if it traps you in a negative cycle of thoughts.” With that in mind, we went on an exploratory mission, the theory being that if we examine the anatomy of guilt, if we break it down and wrestle it to the ground, we might be able to keep it in check. We talked to experts about why guilt seems to be a working mom’s go-to emotion, how it harms our health, what we can do to keep it from making us lose sleep at night—and why men so often seem to be immune. You’ll never look at guilt the same way again.

Born Into It Guilt connects women in all walks of life, from movie stars and mathematicians to models and mechanics. We feel guilty about balancing our careers and families; we beat ourselves up over how we look, what we eat, what we do or don’t do as girlfriends, daughters, wives. In fact, a poll on Workingmother.com revealed that 57 percent of respondents feel guilty every single day, while 31 percent feel guilty at least once a week. Why do working mothers appear to be preprogrammed for guilt? “We get the message all the time that we’re supposed to be stay-at-home moms or, if we work, that we’re supposed to be amazing supermoms on top of our careers,” says Nicole Else-Quest, PhD, an assistant professor of psychology at Villanova University in Pennsylvania. As unrealistic as those expectations are, we internalize them from a young age and then feel pressure. We question our competence, she says, adding: “Working moms feel torn. There are so many things to do, so many obligations. We walk around wondering, How do I do everything and do everything well?” The inner conflict about not being everything to everyone isn’t the only guilt trigger at play. We’re also flooded with conflicting messages in the media about what’s healthy for our families and what isn’t. Devra Renner, MSW and Aviva Pflock, coauthors of Mommy Guilt, call this “paralysis by analysis” because there’s so much conflicting research. It causes us to constantly second-guess our choices. Plus, our peers stand in judgment. Perhaps wrestling with their own guilty demons, they’re quick to question—as in “You’re really going to Bed Bath & Beyond after work? Shouldn’t you be going home to your child?” says Dr. Dorfman. We want to have the self-confidence to say, “I really need a shower curtain.” But we’re too busy wondering if they’re right, she says. Then there are our own mothers. Jewish-mom guilt. Catholic-mom guilt. In psychological warfare, guilt is an effective weapon, and moms throughout history have wielded it effectively. We hear the catchphrases “I raised you better than that” or “I’m not angry, just disappointed” practically from diapers through diplomas—and beyond.

Getting Over It While it may be our proprietary feeling, guilt isn’t inescapable. Breaking free from useless remorse isn’t only possible, it’s probable with this five-step program.

1) Decide if it’s legit. Ask yourself if you’ve actually done something you regret, recommends Keith Ablow, founder of the self-help network The Living Truth. Are you feeling real guilt or referred guilt? If you’ve actually chosen to work late to impress your boss rather than tend to your sick child, that’s real guilt. If your guilt is coming from somewhere else—like the Stepford mom down the street who wonders why you’re not volunteering for her tree-planting committee—that’s referred guilt. Acknowledge that it’s coming from someone else and you’re doing the best you can, then let it go. “I used to let a neighborhood mom talk me into signing up for every swim lesson and pottery-making class available for my preschooler,” says Jessica Winter, a Closter, NJ, mom of two. “Then I’d spend Saturdays freaking out about all the work I had to get done and couldn’t because I was watching Max make a clay bowl. Now, I pick one activity that my kid actually enjoys and take a pass on the peer pressure.”

2) Spin guilt into a positive action. Missed your child’s piano recital because you were stuck at the office? Figure out how to do better next time. Michelle started keeping a calendar after forgetting her son’s graduation. At the start of the school year, she logs big family events as appointments on her Outlook calendar at work to make sure there are no important conflicts before she makes any work commitments. Renner calls this “checks and balances guilt”; it reminds you to reassess your priorities so you can pick and choose your commitments.

3) Forgive yourself, but don’t forget. Life is all about choices. Sometimes we make a bad call, and that’s okay. We’re human. But there’s no reason to obsess over your mistake. “Mentally letting yourself off the hook and resolving not to have a repeat episode can lessen anxiety and make you feel more in control of the situation,” says Dr. Dorfman. And we do get second chances, as Sadie Lewis, a New York City fashion designer and mom of two, discovered. “When my son was two years old, our babysitter called me at work to say he was sick, so I met them at the pediatrician’s office,” she recalls. “It was nothing serious. But when I said goodbye to head back to the office, my son started wailing for me to stay. I can still hear him crying, ‘Don’t go, Mommy,’ as he sped away in a car with his babysitter. Needless to say, since then, I’ve stayed with him whenever he doesn’t feel well.”

4) Set priorities. We’re pulled in dozens of directions, and it seems like no choice comes guilt-free. When you’re working, you feel like you’re neglecting domestic duties, and when you’re spending time with your family, you feel like you should be prepping for that conference call. Even when you’re squeezing in a quick workout, it’s hard to let go of the pressure to play hide-and-seek with your toddler. Set a priority and give yourself a certain amount of time to focus on the task without worrying about other obligations. “You have to learn to let go of unrealistic expectations,” says Dr. Else-Quest. “We’ve been trained to believe that if we’re not with our kids 24/7 they’re being deprived of eternal love. That’s just not the case.” It isn’t an easy lesson. “I remember looking on with envy as a mom at the town pool swam laps while her toddler called out for his mommy,” says Elise Stanford, a mom of two in Avon, NJ, who works in PR. “Her mom was watching her son. So I wondered, Why am I so willing to skip a workout because my child wants me? Now I make it a priority to exercise. It doesn’t hurt my son to be without me for thirty minutes, and it saves my sanity.”

5) Seek and give support. Feeling a sense of community with other working moms can help you recognize that you’re not experiencing a personal failure and you’re not the only one struggling, says Dr. Else-Quest. Something as simple as posting a guilty confession on your blog will probably inspire empathizers to offer encouragement or their own guilty moments. Stephanie Dolgoff, a New York City mom of 7-year-old twins, often uses her Facebook status to post “Low Moments in Parenting.” Recently, she wrote, “I used a panty liner to wipe Vivian’s nose because that’s all I had. At least it was clean!” This inspired her friends to contribute their own mom confessions, and they ended up with a list they can giggle about. The good news for Michelle Dubanowski—and all guilt-ridden working moms—is that her son doesn’t even remember that his mom wasn’t at his pre-K graduation. It didn’t actually scar him for life. Though Michelle still winces at the memory, “I’m not letting it scar me for life, either,” she says with a laugh.